Don’t silence your inner critic. Talk to it.
That breaks with the conventional wisdom for handling the voice in our head that says we’re not ready to handle the challenges before us or worthy of the title bestowed upon us. But executive coach Ron Carucci says if you have tried to silence your inner critic, it probably hasn’t worked. And when we fail to silence that voice, we often feel ashamed for being so self-critical in the first place, leading to a shame spiral.
He believes the conventional wisdom misunderstands the role of the inner critic, viewing it as threat rather than friend.
“Your inner critic didn’t appear from nowhere. It was shaped by early life experiences, social conditioning and professional culture. More importantly, that voice is trying to protect you, not sabotage you,” he writes in Harvard Business Review.
It makes more sense to recognize its protective origins, engage it with curiosity and guide it toward more helpful ways of supporting you. Here’s how:
- Trace the origin story: Write a brief biography of your inner critic. When did you first notice it? Whose voice does it sound like? What was happening in your life at the time? Then give it a name and persona, such as “The Coach,” “The Enforcer” or “Little Me Trying to Survive.” He explains that naming the part helps create just enough psychological distance to begin working with it rather than fighting it.
- Separate the method from the message: The inner critic often has legitimate concerns but communicates them in damaging ways. So figure out what it is trying to prevent. Then, next time your inner critic barges in, he advises you to pause and respond with this script: “I hear you. You’re trying to keep me from looking foolish/getting hurt/making a mistake. Thank you. But we can approach this in a different way.”
- Create distance and start a dialogue: Now discuss the issue with the inner critic as if it was an external character. Set aside five minutes and write a conversation, starting with the message the inner critic just gave you. Respond with curiosity, asking why, and see where that leads. “Over time, this journaling practice can turn a hostile monologue into a respectful internal conversation, where you’re in charge – not the critic,” he says.
Communications coach John Millen also recommends naming your inner critic. As well, he suggests:
- Ask whether you would say this to someone else: “If your best friend came to you with the same mistake or doubt, would you say to them what you just said to yourself? If not, then don’t say it to yourself either. Follow the advice you would give them,” he writes on his blog.
- Reframe the message: Instead of saying, “I always mess up,” try “that didn’t go as I planned, but I learned something for next time.” He stresses this substitution isn’t about pretending everything’s great but about being honest – and kind.
- Keep a thought journal: Write down the negative things you say to yourself and then challenge them. This gets them out of your head, nagging you, and provides clarity and more reality.
- Practise self-compassion: Both Mr. Carucci and Mr. Millen stress the importance of self-compassion as an antidote to the critic’s corrosiveness. Don’t be unrealistic, giving yourself hollow support. Acknowledge the struggle. Be gentle and encouraging. “You’re not perfect. You’re human. And that’s okay,” says Mr. Millen.
John Kim, a therapist, adds the importance of finding a supportive community, because the inner critic thrives in isolation. Instead of keeping this battle quiet, a hidden shame, share with others who are also trying to rise above their own inner critic and fears they are inadequate. Not cheerleaders, he notes, but co-warriors. “If your inner critic has been running the show for too long, it’s time to take the mic back,” he writes in Psychology Today.
Quick hits
- Would you take your current job if offered now? If not, perhaps there are ways to negotiate to get what you need suggests writer Laura Vanderkam, asking for a raise or when offered a new project to lead making it contingent on being able to hire more people.
- If you fear networking, feeling awkward starting a conversation, Gayle Hallgren and Judy Thomson share the helpful concept of “mutual pluralist ignorance” in their positive networking newsletter: Everyone is willing to talk but thinks everyone else is unwilling. So, next time you walk into a meeting or networking situation tell yourself people actually do want to talk but someone has to start the conversation – and that someone is you.
- “Your capacity for excellence is inversely proportional to the number of your commitments,” observes Ottawa thought leader Shane Parrish.
Harvey Schachter is a Kingston-based writer specializing in management issues. He, along with Sheelagh Whittaker, former CEO of both EDS Canada and Cancom, are the authors of When Harvey Didn’t Meet Sheelagh: Emails on Leadership.