Dead Sexy Inc.: Several strikes against them.
Led Zeppelin and Magic Slim & the Teardrops have the best music-act names of all time, and, frankly, no one else is even close (no offence, Steppenwolf, Josie and the Pussycats, Foo Fighters, the New Pornographers, Run with the Kittens, Cancer Bats, Nat King Cole, McKenna Mendelson Mainline, Pearl Jam and And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead). That being said, new artists and bands have to forget about the great monikers already taken and come up with something new - something striking, memorable, comprehensible, Google-friendly and, if you can manage it, something that defines their essence and offers insight into the artistic soul at work.
Seven hundred or so acts will vie for attention at this year's Canadian Music Week festival (March 10 to 14). Some will be familiar, but most will be obscure. First impressions are crucial - a band's name can sink a newcomer faster than Simon Cowell with a hangover and a plane to catch.
Sadly, though we like a lot of the CMW band names - mostly the ones starting with H, such as Hot Hot Heat, the Hoa Hoa's, Hollerado, Handsome Furs, Hot Panda and Hey Marseilles - too many others fail to make the grade. They may make stellar music, but it won't matter. You will know them by the following list of awful band names, if you know them at all.
Dead Sexy Inc.
Okay, they're not sexy, that much is a given. Then, they're a punk band from France. And, finally, according to the biography, their remixes have been used by a band called Cool Kids of Death. Hey, it's your funeral.
And So I Watch You From Afar
As afar as possible, please.
Brazen Angelz
Hmm, these Toronto classic rockers are pretty, um, brazen, with that hip plural z. But, sure - it worked for the Eaglez, the Doorz, the Kinkz and the Rolling Stonez, right?
Carleton Stone Drives the Big Wheel
Apparently, these Nova Scotians are fans of Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band, Elvis Costello and the Imposters, and Ryan Adams's Whiskeytown. What do they have that you don't, Carleton Stone Drives the Big Wheel? That's right - a sensible band name.
Clothes Make the Man
Mark Twain said that, right? He also said "man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to." For its arbitrary moniker, this Toronto group should be right shame-faced.
Armchair Cynics
Hey, that's our name!
Bastard Child Death Cult
It says in the CMW guide that Victoria's Armchair Cynics is finally revealing its deep nuances and pop personality. We're guessing that's not an issue with Toronto's Bastard Child Death Cult.
Hear, Comes the Cavalry
Where do we start: the unwarranted comma, the flaccid pun or the general goofiness? A band in need of a rescue, true enough.
I Wrestled a Bear Once
And that mean old grizzly whupped ya and made you take a senseless band name as per the terms of your wager, right? Actually, I Wrestled a Bear Once might be a great handle - the jury's still out on this one.
I Can Make a Mess Like Nobody's Business
Another declarative band name. It's not necessarily a bad thing - You Say Party! We Say Die! is pretty snazzy - but this one's not working. Still, we believe this New Jersey outfit is telling the truth. They've certainly made a mess of naming themselves.
Ketch Harbour Wolves
As if there weren't enough lupine-themed bands around. But sure, go ahead, call yourself something that sounds like a Nova Scotia bantam hockey team. Go you Wolves - oww-wooh!
The Kardiak Kids
Wrong on so many levels. But, okay, we'll play along. Let's say these small-town Ontarians make it big and become superstars. What happens, though, when they're fat, in their 50s and ready for coronary angioplasty? The armchair-cynic music writers will have a field day.
Elyssa Mahoney & Lucas Haneman Band
Gee, Elyssa Mahoney and Lucas Haneman must have brainstormed for seconds on this one. What, was Mahoney Haneman Mainline already taken?
The Cringe
Exactly.
Canadian Music Week happens March 10 to 14, in dozens of downtown venues. Various ticket prices, wristbands and passes. For complete information: www.cmw.net.