Send in the brave new Canadian TV reality? Don't bother, it's here.
Perception moved a notch closer to reality in this country recently with the arrival of our very own all-reality TV channel. Do you feel any different?
Providing you have digital cable, and in most populated areas that's not even a choice any more, you'll have noticed the recent slight listings shift to accommodate the Global Reality Channel, which launched on Canada Day with a marathon viewing of the first season of Survivor.
As the title suggests, Global Reality Channel is a broadcast entity that airs only reality-TV programming, around the clock, and it is all ours. Beam with pride or cringe, as you see fit.
There's nothing terribly original about an all-reality TV channel. Rupert Murdoch's Fox Reality Channel launched in 2005 and lasted five years with U.S. viewers before it transitioned into a nature-film channel a few months ago.
But Rupert's failed cable experiment was little more than a second-window platform for the Fox Network's reality-programming catalogue; the new Canadian channel has the advantage of being able to take from all reality sources to feed all TV tastes. With the unscripted genre well into its second decade of existence, the warehouse is immense.
And for a narrow slice of the viewer demographic, yet one more reason not to go outside. For some people, GRC is already an acronym and will mean more time well spent.
Mornings with the squabbling clans of Wife Swap U.K. Whiling away the afternoon with The Real Housewives of Orange County. Perhaps an early dinner while enjoying the ravings of chef Gordon Ramsay on Hell's Kitchen.
All the reality staples are there, of course. GRC will roll out all 20 seasons of Survivor, and the entire run of The Apprentice, both celebrity and civilian editions. Even the short-lived Martha Stewart version will air. To this day, Martha and the Donald are not on speaking terms because of that show.
Much of the GRC lineup speaks to slavish reality-fandom. The service has made a selling point of the fact that it will air the latest seasons of the British editions of The Apprentice and Big Brother. And all of it recycled fare, so that's a good thing, right?
The quickest scan through the new channel's lineup is exhausting, and a little sad. Some of the shows are a real blast from the past. GRC will air the one-time NBC reality hit Fear Factor, in which contestants swing from ziplines and try to eat animal intestines for a cash prize.
Fear Factor hasn't filmed a new episode since the summer of 2006 and host Joe Rogan is still the most irritating person on television.
And Canadian reality content? Bring on the daily rebroadcasts of Deal or No Deal Canada and Project Runway Canada. Those shows were sort of Canadian, weren't they?
But hope springs eternal for reality viewers here. When GRC signed on last week, we arrived, so to speak.
And so did the same old buzz about the possibility of Survivor filming a series in Canada, presumably somewhere up in the real tundra regions. Can you imagine the excitement? It would be Survivorman times 10.
As when the rumour first surfaced seven years ago, Survivor reality kingpin Mark Burnett is reportedly keen on the idea, though he's currently running around Alaska with Sarah Palin lensing her reality series for TLC. Were you aware Sarah Palin has a new reality series? I wager not, because that's how reality-television crept into mainstream culture - on little cat feet.
Reality TV is ingrained in our Canadian lives now, and there's no going back. It's still the TV habit no one admits to, yet everyone has a friend who watches The Amazing Race or American Idol. Or The Bachelorette.
The damnable part, as always, is just how addictive some of these reality programs can be. Even the old ones.
The first season of Survivor is still a good watch, even with Richard Hatch running around naked. On GRC's second day, it showed the first season of Celebrity Apprentice, the season with that nasty Omarosa character. You could just throttle her!
And, strangely, most people know the name Omarosa. At some point while we were sleeping, reality television simply became normal. Nobody gets too fussed about it any more, but what was once the occasional reality aberration has now become part of people's lives.
Look at tonight's lineup: A spinoff of The Biggest Loser, the new show Losing It with Gillian (NBC, 8 p.m.) is already deemed a summer hit.
Your alternative: more reality. The same prime-time time slot offers the absurd obstacle-course series Wipeout (ABC, Global, 8 p.m.) or Hell's Kitchen (Fox, CITY-TV, 8 p.m.), with Chef Ramsay now eviscerating a whole new crop of amateur chefs.
And so it goes in the following hour, with the new arrival Downfall (ABC, CTV, 9 p.m.), wherein a giant conveyor belt atop a skyscraper rolls prizes by greedy contestants, and then over the edge. USA! USA!
Or consider this summer's biggest TV hit: America's Got Talent (NBC, CITY-TV, 9 p.m.). If only to yourself, admit you've watched it. Somebody's watching, because in recent weeks the show has finished high in U.S. Nielsen ratings, but more significantly it has consistently ranked as the No. 1 program on Canadian television.
If not for reality TV, we might have never discovered that our common ground with our American neighbours is a TV talent contest. That might not be news, but it is reality.
Also airing
Nova (PBS, 8 p.m.) revisits the Top Guns of the Korean War era. The episode re-enacts the dogfights that occurred between Russian and American fighters over MiG Alley, a valued strip of airspace above the North Korean-Chinese border. The CGI effects are dizzying.
Melody Gardot: The Accidental Musician (Bravo!, 9 p.m.) profiles jazz sensation Melody Gardot, whose recent ascension in the music world came after a tragedy. In 2003, Gardot was struck by a car in her hometown of Philadelphia and sustained life-threatening injuries. Singing became part of her therapy and her recovery has been remarkable.
Check local listings.
John Doyle will return.