Even before it began, the great American TV machine doubled down. Is 7 a.m. too early for bringing out the showgirls, the slot machines and Jim Belushi?
Not in Hollywood. And not for CBS, which took the lead-off position on the annual Television Critics Tour. CBS has taken to calling itself the most-watched American network, as has Fox. It depends on whose numbers you believe. But when you're No. 1, or something like it, you go big or go home.
Known for decades as the Tiffany Network, presumably for such elite programming as 60 Minutes and Murder, She Wrote, CBS hosted a swank casino-themed breakfast to hype its new legal drama, The Defenders, starring Belushi as a Las Vegas lawyer.
As an opening act, it was a shock to the system. One-armed bandits were everywhere, and blackjack dealers were stacking chips in front of crusty-eyed TV scribes. Leggy showgirls with towering peacock headgear served mocktails. Lounge music by Frank and Dino was piped in. Belushi apparently breezed through the room, but nobody noticed.
That in no way impaired the traditional sermon on the mount from CBS entertainment president Nina Tassler, who declared the previous season a "great year on TV." She pointed to the success of The Good Wife and the spinoff NCIS: Los Angeles. You ain't seen nothing yet, she added, which is what every network boss says in his or her opening statement.
But Tassler is particularly deft at this sort of thing. Before addressing the 200-odd press crammed into the Beverly Hilton Hotel ballroom - the same setting for the Golden Globe Awards each January - she mixed effortlessly with journalists in the casino setting. She seemed to know many by name, with nary a glance at their ID badges.
Arguably the most powerful female executive in television, Tassler talked breathlessly about The Defenders, as well as CBS's remake of Hawaii Five-0 and the upcoming comedy $#*! My Dad Says (spoken as Bleep My Dad Says). Starring Canadian icon William Shatner, it's based on a hugely popular Twitter feed - a TV first, Tassler said proudly.
She also reminded critics that Canada's own Justin Bieber will appear on the season premiere of CSI, playing a "very unsavoury character." As her pep talk went on, the showgirls and slot machines were hustled soundlessly out of the room.
While some press swarmed Tassler for follow-up questions, the cast members of the hit CBS comedy The Big Bang Theory were being wheeled in. While still being miked for sound, they were asked about their "triumphant" appearance at last week's Comic-Con.
Flash trumps substance on the TV tour. The difference this time: The consensus among TV critics - a dour lot at the best of times - is that the coming TV season actually looks pretty good. There's already a more upbeat vibe than seen the past two summers, possibly indicating the American TV business has finally bounced back from recessionary times.
The Defenders is dreadful, of course, but tube aficionados here are already buzzing over the new HBO period drama Boardwalk Empire, which is executive-produced by Martin Scorsese, who also directed the first episode.
Likewise, there is positive response to the addition of actor Alfred Molina to the Law & Order spinoff Law & Order: Los Angeles. There is anticipation for ABC's cop drama Detroit 1-8-7, starring Michael Imperioli, ex of The Sopranos, and Shaun Majumder, yet another Canadian.
Others are buzzing over the small-screen return of Jimmy Smits in NBC's Outlaw, in which he plays a former Supreme Court judge returning to private practice; and over NBC's spy-tech series Undercovers, though only because it was created by TV wunderkind J.J. Abrams ( Lost, Fringe). Pedigree goes a long way in TV.
As does buzz. CBS has generated a remarkable volume of preseason publicity for the new sitcom Mike and Molly, which falls outside the usual sitcom lines. Launching in September, the series follows the romance between an overweight cop and a plus-sized teacher, played by relative unknowns Billy Gardell and Melissa McCarthy, who meet at an Overeaters Anonymous meeting. The Friends era is officially over.
Mike and Molly has heat on this TV tour simply because it's different - so, of course, CBS brought in the cast and creators. "This isn't a show about weight," asserted executive producer Chuck Lorre ( Two and a Half Men). "It's about people trying to make their lives better and find someone."
But these are, of course, larger-than-life characters, and this is a TV series. Mike and Molly has generated acclaim for being sweet and retro, but the clip reel showed McCarthy's character huffing and puffing on a treadmill while her mother (Swoosie Kurtz) eats chocolate cake. Other characters made unkind cracks about Gardell's appearance.
"When you're a fat guy in Hollywood, you're a bad guy, the cop or the neighbour," said Gardell.
You have to be a team player in this business.
Airing tonight
Whale Music (Bravo!, 9 p.m.) is a late addition to the schedule, in reaction to the death of actor Maury Chaykin earlier this week. Based on the late Paul Quarrington's novel, the 1994 Canadian feature stars Chaykin as a faded rock star enlivened by, well, whale music. It was Chaykin's finest hour.
Cellblock 6: Female Lockup (TLC, 10 p.m.) is the new and well-rated reality series filmed in prisons in the Southern United States. Tonight's episode follows mother-and-daughter inmates spending time at the same prison facility. Strange days indeed.
John Doyle returns on Aug. 5.