"I like Christmas," Lady Gaga stated this week at her O2 concert in London.
But, ever mindful of her broad, most likely loner-driven, fan base, she then bit the neck of a Santa doll thrown on the stage by a fan and decapitated it, using the heel of her shoe. "I hate the holidays! I'm alone and miserable," she screamed.
Reported as a tribute to Ozzy Osbourne's various beheadings, Gaga's actions are more reminiscent of Divine in Female Trouble. In the 1974 John Waters film, his superstar becomes enraged for not having received the cha cha heels she asked for, riots and knocks her mother into the Christmas tree, which lands on top of and pins her. As Divine takes off in her negligee and mules, her sorrowful, tiny mother bleats, "Not on Christmas, not on Christmas!"
Lady Gaga killed Santa for "those of you feeling lonely this Christmas."
Are you feeling lonely?
If so, what follows are five suggestions to enliven your holidays. And please begin by crushing, under your heels, any copies of It's a Wonderful Life or Miracle on 34th Street that may be polluting your home with their dirty lies.
1. Become sharply attuned to what everyone is talking about this week: the key figures in the WikiLeaks affair; the repeal of the don't ask, don't tell policy on gays in the military; Miley Cyrus's bong and Black Swan's Mila Kunis's insistence that Miley was smoking an illegal substance; Larry King's last show and Jermaine Jackson being robbed (I admit, only I am discussing this last bit of information). Then hit the message boards and be a contrarian troll. Examples? "Hang Bradley Manning for Treason," or "Don't Ask Mila About (her boyfriend) Macaulay Culkin." Once you have agitated all the posters, using the cunning screen name Satanclause666; once they are threatening you with electronic fisticuffs, you will feel as magnificent as the Grinch, before he had that unfortunate heart explosion.
2. Watch actually good Christmas movies, ones that make no reference to Christmas, that is. Prepare a Swanson Hungry-Man feast and pull up a TV tray to the neglected 1975 masterpiece Criminally Insane. Try to sync your last bites of grey, shapeless turkey to the morbidly obese heroine's feast on her family's remains. Or you may want to indulge your misery by watching a back-to-back horror-film marathon - for example, Sex and the City 2, The Banger Sisters and The Bounty Hunter.
3. Keep the music festive. You have four days: Rent a karaoke machine and serenade passersby with disgusting renditions of Wham!'s Last Christmas, Black Sabbath's Paranoid and Eydie Gorme and Steve Lawrence's Winter Wonderland. Do this before dawn if your neighbours have plagued you with noise and other naughty behaviours, and include special shout-outs: "My rendition of Alvin and the Chipmunks is for you, Brenda and Jerry Smith, you drunken maniacs!"
4. Write a long letter to Chuck Lorre and/or the producer of your favourite TV show. Include 20 points of criticism and samples of your fan fiction ("Charlie and Berta get dirty in the laundry room.) My own letter to Lorre will ask why the gigantic stump Angus T. Jones (Jake on Two and a Half Men) is paid $100,000 every time he grunts and why can he not instead fire him, and let him live out the normal life of fallen child stars (mockery, addiction, depression, death)? And why has Lorre taken a perfectly good show like The Big Bang Theory and ruined it. Are TV shows like tax shelters, is that why? Did he invite the humourless and repugnant Mayim Bialik to be a series regular because people were asking about actor Jim Parson's sexuality? Alongside my Glee fan fiction (Kurt falls in love with the ugly football player/tongue rapist who loves him), I shall also ask Ryan Murphy why he is trashing his own show by filling it with camp songs that a drag queen would be mortified to play at her debutante ball and inviting loathsome old divas such as Gwyneth Paltrow and Carol Burnett to appear. Sign all of your mail, CRAZY FAN, and enclose a ticking timepiece, naturally.
5. Post long, confessional blog entries or videos on YouTube. Discuss the minutiae of your life ("I got socks and barrettes and an MP3") and bemoan the commercialism of the holiday, which blows. Say that it blows. Say that everyone is so fake and phony, and people should give their money to people who need it. By no means actually give money to the needy, however! You are an artist! As superstar of the mundane video monde Chris Crocker states: "Keep hating. I'll keep celebratin'!"