Jackie Burns and Daren A. Herbert in If/Then.Joan Marcus
If/Then, a new musical from the creators of Next to Normal, opens with a song called What If?
That's the question creators Tom Kitt and Brian Yorkey want you to ponder throughout. Unfortunately, the show's gimmicky parallel-universe concept only leads to two simplistic, side-by-side fantasies.
It's more likely to leave you rolling your eyes and saying: As if.
Urban planning professor Elizabeth (Jackie Burns) is If/Then's heroine. She has just arrived in New York, having divorced the man she spent a decade with in Phoenix, Ariz. – a place that is treated as a punchline here, one that will be inexplicable to the Canadians who bought up all the housing there after 2008.
Having double-booked a coffee date with her new neighbour Kate (Tamyra Gray) and an old flame named Lucas (Anthony Rapp), Elizabeth is suddenly faced with a meaningless choice on which the rest of the show then hinges – whether she should head to a concert in Brooklyn with Kate, or a housing protest with Lucas.
If/Then then splits into two shows with two Elizabeths: "Liz" heads off on one journey, while "Beth," who in director Michael Greif's dopiest conceit wears glasses, goes on the other.
In one timeline, Liz ends up running into a handsome surgeon/soldier named Josh (Matthew Hydzik) over and over, until she finally succumbs to his repeated pleas for a date.
In the other, Beth answers a phone call from Stephen (Daren A. Herbert), who out of the blue offers her an incredible job as a city planner – though he has to almost beg her to take it for some unclear reason.
Indeed, both Elizabeths seem comically overcautious for a woman who made a daring decision to quit a job and a husband at once – just one of the show's many character inconsistencies that point out its contrivances.
Can a New York woman in her late 30s really have it all – a dream man and a dream job? If/Then says, rather unambiguously: no, only if there are parallel universes. That seems satirical – but it quickly becomes clear that we're actually meant to take the drastic dichotomy between Liz and Beth seriously.
So, Liz is unable to find meaningful work as she settles down to form a family with Josh, while Beth the super-successful planner ends up propositioning a married co-worker and embarking in a casual, non-committal situation with the immature, bisexual activist Lucas.
Neither Liz nor Beth is depicted as capable of making anything happen herself – and a main character to which things only happen is a boring one.
The music is not much less of a snooze. Composer Tom Kitt's songs mostly lull you into a stupor, as if an extended easy-listening jam. One tune lingers in the ear, though: The country-inflected You Learn to Live Without, in which Liz and Beth talk about the people and opportunities they've lost. The song would be even more effective, however, if all the characters hadn't been talking about that all show long.
If/Then masquerades as sophisticated – Gay couples getting married and adopting babies! Swear words! Soft-edged jokes about Republicans! – but the endless, what-if philosophizing of Brian Yorkey's book and lyrics is sophomore level. They seem more suited for a teenage or twentysomething protagonist than a woman on the cusp of 40 who we keep having to be told has brains and charm and spunk, because so little of any of that is apparent in her actions (except the dramatic one that happens before that play begins!) or in the blandly solid performance of Burns – whose voice has power, but lacks persuasion or personality.
The secondary characters are even less defined. Josh is a mirage of a man – though Hydzik is a sweet and honest enough actor that he made me believe in him. Until he had to sing a cringe-worthy solo to his unborn son called Hey Kid that seemed like a bad parody of Billy Bigelow's soliloquy in Carousel, anyway.
Playing Lucas, Anthony Rapp – the Broadway star best known for originating the part of Mark in Rent – seems to be mainly playing Anthony Rapp. It may be that Rapp has become an intensely mannered performer, moving his hands with every line he sings as if conducting an invisible a cappella hip-hop choir – but at least this makes him interesting to watch.
It's bizarre how little chemistry his bisexual character has with his boyfriend in Liz's universe, though – with Rapp often cringing when he kisses him or pulling away quickly, as if his co-star had halitosis.
The less said about the sassy lesbian couple played by Gray and Janine DiVita, the better. They're part of the faux edginess and smarmy progressiveness of the whole endeavour that will puzzle Toronto audiences looking for gay and lesbian characters to do more than just represent.
But an irritating air of self-satisfaction is there from the first line of If/Then. Elizabeth enters and says, "Hey, it's me!" – a bit of dialogue designed to elicit or manage entrance applause for a star. Alas, Idina Menzel, the Tony-winning singer who originated the role on Broadway, left this tour after the first few stops. This town's just getting the vehicle – and there's not much under the hood.
If/Then continues to May 8 (mirvish.com).