We often give constructive feedback, but positive feedback builds a bedrock of trust and motivation.Jakob Wackerhausen/Getty Images
Ask Women and Work
Question: I’m an experienced team leader, but I feel that I’m not as good at giving feedback as I should be. What are some tips to do it more effectively?
We asked Jill Nykoliation, an executive coach, facilitator and former founder and CEO of creative agency Juniper Park/TBWA, to tackle this one:
Before you give feedback, ask yourself, what’s my intention? How do I want this person to feel after this conversation? Do I want them to grow? Do I want this relationship to be strengthened? That will help guide what feedback you’re giving – how you frame it, the pace of it, the examples you give. The onus is on you as the feedback-giver to frame it in such a way that you get the outcome you want.
Often when people get negative feedback, they leave with their tail between their legs, thinking, ‘My boss thinks I’m an idiot, I feel like a loser.’ If you don’t want that to be the end result, you need to ask yourself, ‘How do I frame this so you feel competent but with clear direction on what to do differently?’
Feedback comes in two forms: positive and constructive. We often give constructive feedback. What shocks me is how infrequent positive feedback is. [American psychologist and researcher] John Gottman said that for every one negative interaction, you need five positive interactions. I think you should aim for more than five. Why not double it? Catch people doing things right and vocalize it to them. It can be a 12-second drive-by: ‘That report you wrote was so crisp and that ending really drove it home.’ That kind of positive feedback builds trust and motivation. That way, when you do give constructive feedback one out of ten times, you have a bedrock of trust.
You also need to deliver constructive feedback in the right tone. If you bluntly say, ‘This isn’t working,’ you’ve torched the whole thing. A line that I like to use is, ‘I see what you’ve done here,’ or ‘I can see the hard work on this. How can we make it better?’ Acknowledge the effort before you build on it.
Once you’ve given your constructive feedback, ask your team member, ‘How does that land for you?’ They may say, ‘I don’t agree with your feedback and here’s why.’ Or they may say, ‘I actually don’t understand what you’re saying.’ Feedback should be the beginning of a conversation, not a directive.
If you are invested in that person’s growth, you should look forward to giving feedback. I love growing people. I love watching them shine. So I don’t fear giving feedback. I trust that the person knows my intention because I’ve given them enough examples for them to know that.
The Women and Work newsletter will be taking some time off and will be back in your inbox on January 8. Thanks for reading and happy holidays!
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