There’s a lot of complexity in our world, much of which is happening on the political front right now. As I read the news the word ‘bully’ keeps surfacing. As we all try to make sense of what seems nonsensical behaviour from U.S. President Donald Trump, the details and motives keep shifting. But bullying is a theme that endures.
Bullying on the grand political stage is a big deal. But it is also a big deal in any other context – such as the workplace. If you have ever experienced bullying behaviour from someone at work, you know it can be tough to navigate.
Start with the why?
We often assume we know the reason for the bullying behaviour based on their actions. But often the surface behaviour may not make any sense. Looking at the current political threat of a trade war, is it really about a trade deficit? Or is it about the small amount of fentanyl that crosses the border from Canada (relative to the amount the crosses from Mexico)? Or is it about U.S. banks operating in Canada? Or about making Canada the 51st state? Or wait, maybe it’s about our maple syrup – yes, that must it. They want our trees so they can make Canadian maple syrup.
Of course, it may be about none of the above. Reasons for bullying behaviour in any context can often be vastly different from what we see and think we understand.
Sometimes it is just for show – for others to see. To signal who has the greater power. To establish oneself as the alpha boss. Or perhaps there are other reasons that we can’t see because the bullied are merely pawns in a bigger strategic chess game (in the bully’s mind) that goes beyond the issue of the day.
This holds true for bullying on any stage be it political or within our own lives – workplaces included.
So what to do? These thoughts are for workplace bullying. I am not offering advice for the political arena, which is far more complex.
Get curious: Slow down the assumptions and examine what is beneath your bully’s behaviour. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking it is just one issue and once fixed the bullying will stop.
If you respond to their first act of bullying, they know they have you. Don’t be surprised when another seemingly weird reason for more bullying may surface.
Think of the kid who bullies another kid for their sandwich. It’s not about the sandwich. They want something else. Power? Status? Influence?
Whether in the playground or workplace, the bully wants something and you are the target to help them get it. You might be the direct threat. Or just a pawn in their purpose.
Does your work bully feel threatened by you? Maybe they see you as an obstacle to their career goals. Were they the rising star and then you came along? Maybe they feel insecure and don’t even understand their own why? Or maybe, it has nothing to do with you. You are simply being used for their greater purpose.
Confront / approach privately: Appeasing a bully’s constant threats may not work. Instead, confront the bully directly. But do it privately. Shaming a bully publicly may not go well. It may fuel their egotistic fire. They are likely all about image, saving face and looking good.
But showing your strength quietly (and privately) can at least send the message that you won’t passively allow unacceptable behaviour.
Ask questions: Rather than threatening them, seek to understand by asking them genuine questions about what it is they want or are unhappy about. Ask how you can work together – maybe as allies rather than fierce competitors? The bully might expect force from you so coming at them with a gentler, collaborative approach might surprise and disarm them. You might discover what is behind their behaviour. Or you might not. A bully might still hold their cards close to their chest.
The situation may not change immediately. You may need to lean in a few times before the bully gets the message that you are not playing into their chess game. And indeed, you may need to speak more directly to them in a way that signals you aren’t backing down. Bullies feed on perceived weakness but strength can be subtle and shown with grace.
There is no guarantee this will work. Every situation is unique. The point is not to waste all your energy (or play all your cards) trying to fix something that may not be the real issue.
Sometimes the bullying behaviour simply ends and they go on to bully someone else. If indeed you were merely a pawn, the bullying may dissipate and you can go back to your work – your real work.
Of course, if bullying in the workplace happens over time without repercussions to the bully, then there is a problem with the workplace culture. Values on the corporate wall and website are merely words unless the workplace walks the talk and there are consequences. But that’s another issue perhaps for another article.
When it comes to bullying in the workplace, doing nothing or doing the wrong thing can only exacerbate the issue. Try strength but from a different vantage point.
Eileen Chadnick, PCC, of Big Cheese Coaching, is an ICF credentialed, two-time ICF (International Coaching Federation) Prism award winner, who works with leaders (emerging to experienced), and organizations, on navigating, leading and flourishing in times of flux, opportunity and challenge. She is the author of Ease: Manage Overwhelm in Times of Crazy Busy.