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THE QUESTION
My coworkers, including the company owner and my supervisor, drink a lot. They’re often doing “beer-o’clock” in the office and going to happy hours after work. I don’t drink and I’m finding it hard to connect and bond with my coworkers, especially the owner and supervisor, during these social occasions. I’ve tried going out with them a few times but I can tell that they find my presence awkward and they’re not really including me in their conversations, so I go home early. I’m worried that I’m missing out or not seeming like a “team player” or a good fit for the company culture, so I won’t be top of mind for promotions. What can I do?
THE FIRST ANSWER
Jarren MacDougall, executive director and executive coach, Harc Creative Inc., Vancouver
You’re not alone in feeling this way. When a workplace culture revolves around drinking, it can be hard to know how to join in without pretending to be someone you’re not. You’re doing the right thing by noticing how it feels and wanting to stay connected while staying true to yourself.
When people drink, they can often become less aware of who’s being included in the conversation. Alcohol might make people more relaxed, but it can also narrow their focus to what’s familiar or easy, and that can leave others on the outside. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you or that you don’t belong. It just means the environment isn’t set up for everyone equally.
You might also not be the only one feeling this way. Others could be wishing for different ways to connect but feel pressure to go along with what’s already in place. By gently suggesting new ways to spend time together, you can help shift things. That’s a quiet kind of leadership that earns respect.
Try suggesting gatherings that still allow drinks but don’t centre on them. Something such as axe throwing, an art-and-wine night that includes both cocktails and mocktails or a place with that social play-zone feel where people can move around, grab a drink, play a round of ping pong or shuffleboard and chat in smaller groups. These settings take the pressure off drinking as the main event and make connection the focus instead.
You can bring that same spirit into regular hangouts by posing a light, curious question and going around the table so everyone gets a turn to answer. Try something like, “What’s a movie you could watch 100 times?” or “What’s a song that instantly lifts your mood?” or even “What’s a food you could eat every day and never get sick of?” Questions like these invite curiosity and help people discover shared interests. That spark of “I love that too!” can be the start of a real connection.
Being a good teammate isn’t about matching drinking habits. It’s about showing curiosity, kindness and initiative. Those qualities stand out far more than what’s in your glass.
THE SECOND ANSWER
Layan Jasser, project coordinator, PowerUp Leadership, Halifax
You’re right to feel uneasy. It can be tough to navigate a workplace where socializing and drinking go hand-in-hand. But you don’t need to compromise your values to build strong relationships or get ahead.
Start by showing interest in your coworkers as people, even if you’re not drinking with them. You can still stop by for a short while during “beer-o-clock,” chat with a few colleagues and leave when you’re ready. Your goal is to be visible and approachable, not to match their habits.
Next, find other ways to connect. Suggest coffee chats, team lunches or a fun non-drinking activity such as trivia or a potluck. This shows initiative and helps reshape what “team bonding” looks like. Building one-on-one relationships through collaboration and support also goes a long way as people often connect most through shared goals, not just social events.
Remember: You’re not alone. More than a third of employees say they don’t want to drink at work events, yet 15 per cent of those (more than 5 per cent of respondents) do so anyway because they feel pressured to fit in, according to a report from Niznik Behavioral Health. Genuine inclusion shouldn’t depend on what’s in your glass. If the culture feels exclusionary, suggest adding more inclusive team events or raise the conversation with HR.
And if you’re a manager or team leader, take note: creating inclusive social opportunities is crucial for engagement and retention. Employees who feel a sense of belonging are 56 per cent more productive and 50 per cent less likely to leave, according to research from BetterUp. Don’t lose hardworking employees because the culture only welcomes those who drink.
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