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Many men feel singled out, blamed and shamed at work because of their gender. However, they also find themselves trapped by expectations about masculinity, fearful of opting for parental leave, talking to colleagues about the challenges of caring for an aging parent or shedding tears or otherwise expressing vulnerability in the workplace.
At the same time, many women are feeling stuck, exhausted and discouraged at work, unable to fully embrace their authenticity and gain an equal chance for promotions and pay.
That’s after 50 years of concern and various actions on the issue of gender at work. Men were once viewed by women as privileged barriers to progress. More recently, the spotlight has shone on men committed to gender equality, who have been praised as “allies.”
Jennifer McCollum, chief executive officer of Catalyst, Inc., a global nonprofit whose mission has been to make workplaces fairer for women, says men must now become “gender partners” in the cause.
The challenges men and women face at work are essentially two sides of the same gender coin. “Societal norms and expectations dictating how men and women are supposed to look, behave and live their lives are harmful to everyone,” she writes in Men at Work.
She points out that men still hold most of the senior leadership roles and are uniquely positioned to have impact on refashioning the workplace. Recent Catalyst research in different countries and industries shows the overwhelming majority of men want to close the gender gap at work. By helping women be more successful, they can make their companies more successful. And without their help, she says progress for women in the workplace won’t continue.
Boston Consulting Group research found 96 per cent of companies globally showed progress for women when men were involved but only 30 per cent of companies where men were not involved saw progress. “Frankly, we need men as partners,” she says.
Gender partners, to her, are people of any gender who assume mutual accountability for advancing gender equity and inclusion. Catalyst vice-president Alixandra Pollack, who came up with the concept of gender partnership, says it “is simply about being there for each other. Sometimes you have to be more vocal or visible, and that kind of gesture has its place, but gender partnership is not about ‘saving’ women. It’s about co-creating a dynamic of fairness and respect.”
Workplaces, Ms. McCollum stresses, don’t work for men. They are often boxed in, socialized to perpetuate a workplace culture that mirrors a number of stereotypical masculine traits, such as silence, toughness and combativeness. That goes against important workplace needs such as collaboration, innovation and team productivity.
The term “toxic masculinity” has become common these days. She doesn’t like the phrase. “Men are not toxic. Masculinity is not toxic. What is toxic is the way masculinity often is expressed culturally as a result of fixed expectations of what it means to be manly,” she writes.
She prefers another term, “man box,” because it conveys the idea that some boys or men are trapped in something outside of themselves.
Catalyst research suggests for three out of four men masculine stereotypes don’t reflect the realities of their full selves and nine out of 10 want permission to access traits outside the “man box.” A place to start for men is by showing they care. She suggests:
- Be open: Encourage personal connection at work by sharing information about your life. Make yourself vulnerable and show you are human, with frailties like everyone else.
- Invite different conversations: Create an environment in which men and women know they can talk about their personal lives and their inner lives, including hard stuff such as depression, anxiety or other mental health challenges, grief and loss, divorce and physical health challenges without negative repercussions. “They should know that sharing these things will be met with positive outcomes such as support, empathy, community and information about employee assistance plans,” she says, adding that leaders should not be therapists but also should abandon the old practice of indicating employees should leave such problems at the door when they enter the workplace.
- Model meaningfully: Be the change you want to be in the workplace, including demonstrating humility by acknowledging mistakes and talking openly about how you are educating yourself to do better. Be vulnerable and willing to show emotions at work.
Acting will require men to move past fear, ignorance and apathy. Fear is the feeling that advocating for women will rebound against you – come at your expense. Ignorance is lack of awareness or clarity about sexism and thus not seeing the gender challenge you must meet. Apathy is the belief it’s not your problem.
But after a half century of insufficient progress, it’s time to get our act together, men and women. The benefits will not just be for women, but for men and women. She urges men to challenge the rigid rules of masculinity that form the walls of the man box and become gender partners with women at work.
Cannonballs
- A big mistake managers make is treating tenure with the organization as nothing more than a time stamp, says employee recognition supplier Mike Szczesny. Instead of saying “congratulations on 10 years,” highlight what those years actually meant in terms of client relationships salvaged, the new hires they mentored or the processes they redesigned that everyone now uses. Make it about impact – not just time served.
- The final draft of Winston Churchill’s speeches included stage directions such as “pause; grope for word” and “stammer; correct self.” Presentations coach Gary Genard notes the British leader knew the difference between the “literary world” of writing a speech and the “world of orality” and performance in which a speech was delivered.
- Saying “maybe,” when you mean “no,” keeps false hope alive, warns leadership coach Dan Rockwell. It strangles progress and doesn’t make you kind even though you avoided saying “no.” It just makes you deceptive.
Harvey Schachter is a Kingston-based writer specializing in management issues. He, along with Sheelagh Whittaker, former CEO of both EDS Canada and Cancom, are the authors of When Harvey Didn’t Meet Sheelagh: Emails on Leadership.