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Michael Kaufman, the Torontonian who co-founded the White Ribbon Campaign that brings men together to counter violence against women, has been encouraged by the emergence of male ally initiatives to help women in workplaces, schools and communities over the years. But he worries that too often they are built on flimsy foundations and can become window dressing, a mechanism for individuals, governments, companies or unions to say they are taking action but really are doing nothing that is effective.
“I’ve been concerned we don’t give men the tools and preparation to speak out. We expect men to automatically know what to do and what not to do to be an effective ally. But why should any of us know such things, especially since for the past eight to 10 thousand years we’ve lived in male-dominated societies that had clearly defined rules and norms for men and women?” he writes in The Male Ally Handbook.
Indeed, he argues the challenge of being an ally is magnified because some of the skills learned in becoming men are absolutely dysfunctional and counter-productive when trying to be an ally. That will mean men who want to work for a more equitable workplace need to adopt the perhaps unfamiliar mindset of an ally, which involves these five key attributes:
- Humility: Traditionally, being “a real man” has involved being in charge, whether at work, sports, politics or community groups, and having all the answers. “Being an ally starts with the opposite: Settling into a space where we still have everything to learn. That requires humility,” he says.
- Listen: He believes the No. 1 tool for allyship is to listen to the words of women. That doesn’t mean, he adds, women have all the truth and indeed there are many differences among them on the path ahead. But male allies have to be alert to the long history in which women’s knowledge and voices have often been suppressed. “Become an ally means realizing that women will hold you accountable for things you do and say, but also that you may be lumped in with what other men have done. Listen without getting defensive; take it in. It’s like reading a precious diary that has lain hidden for generations,” he says.
- Empathy and compassion: As you listen, he says you will learn the way men experience the world is often different from the experiences of women. Listening must be not only with your ears but also with your hearts. “Listening with empathy and compassion, and taking action based on these murmurs of our hearts, is the pathway to deep allyship,” he says.
- Reflect and question: As you listen and learn, you will realize that you are confronting the assumptions you have both about women and yourself as a man. “We need to face up to our own beliefs, biases and behaviours,” he says.
- Be okay with discomfort: Acting as an ally is not a simple, feel-good activity. It will be filled with moments of discomfort, as your actions and assumptions are challenged by women and the men you reach out to, some who will push back.
Many men feel the tables have turned and they are losing out to women in the quest for promotions and better jobs. He counters that in a gender-equal world a man will lose out in employment or advancement or elections to women half of the time. But because it’s a time of change and because he says “too many men feel entitled to be the Chosen Ones, having to suddenly share resources with women or compete with women feels like an unequivocal loss. After all, patriarchy has been an 8,000-year-long affirmative action program for men.” He believes the biggest shot in the arm we can give to the world’s economies is gender equality.
While male allies and the programs corporations have developed to assist women are focused on the workplace, he points out they also need to take into account the domestic situation of female colleagues. His handbook includes a contribution from Western University’s Centre for Research and Education on Violence Against Women and Children, noting that what happens at home has a horrible way of making its presence felt at work. Women have been killed at work by a partner or ex-partner. Co-workers or managers have been killed or seriously injured protecting a colleague.
Intimate partner violence comes to work most often in the form of abusive calls and texts, stalking or harassing at or near the workplace. Abusive partners know where the person they are angry at works. And workplaces have to provide support and protection. Often, the Centre notes, warning signs will show up initially as performance issues, as the bad situation at home keeps the individual from focusing fully on work.
While any man can be an ally, Mr. Kaufman highlights the importance of managers, still predominantly men in many organizations. “Encouraging male leaders to get involved in ally initiatives might seem like one more burden. But, actually, it’s a means to help them do their job better,” he says.
Cannonballs
- As retirements surge and tech disruption continues, organizations will suffer from a loss of expertise, a team of Gartner research analysts warn. A larger proportion of the work force will reach retirement age in 2025 than in any previous year on record, draining organizations of their most experienced employees at an accelerated rate. And as artificial intelligence absorbs many of the functions previously provided by interns and support teams, junior employees have fewer opportunities to learn and build expertise.
- The managing editor of technology at Axios, Scott Rosenberg, notes that AI creators and business leaders lately are describing AI agents as “AI workers” or “AI employees.” He argues such personification will backfire, alienating employees in the trenches as like other recent technology dehumanizing realities kick in and work likely gets more frenetic, distracting and disconnected.
- When people get promoted, they forget that a whisper becomes a shout, notes motivational speaker Simon Sinek
Harvey Schachter is a Kingston-based writer specializing in management issues. He, along with Sheelagh Whittaker, former CEO of both EDS Canada and Cancom, are the authors of When Harvey Didn’t Meet Sheelagh: Emails on Leadership.