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Three weeks before my wedding, my maid of honour and best friend of seven years cut me out of her life. We had a stupid fight and a week later, she sent me a single text saying she thought it was best if she parted ways with me. I messaged her to understand why. I never heard back.
I’m Bianca Flavelle, an HR consultant at The Globe and Mail, and since that day just over a year ago, I’ve been reflecting on my friendships with women.
While there were mistakes and misunderstandings on both sides, I never imagined my friend would take such drastic and callous action, especially just before one of the most significant moments of my life. All my BFF training – all the years of beach hangouts, sleepovers, whispered secrets and vulnerable moments crying on each other shoulders when we felt most alone – told me that this just wasn’t supposed to happen.
At least in Western culture, a bride standing at the altar with her maid of honour is a celebration of a friendship that has triumphed the test of time. But in reality, many friendships between women are strained and even ruined because of wedding planning. This BBC article captures some on-the-nose examples of how being a maid of honour can kill your friendship.
I’m still dumbfounded by the fragility of my friendship with my former maid of honour, and I may never understand whether our relationship actually had to end. That same sentiment was explored by writer Carissa Duenas in her piece for The Globe titled “Did our friendship have to fall apart?” Duenas was quietly pushed out of her friend’s life when she found out she was no longer part of her wedding. While this exit wasn’t a complete surprise to Duenas, she hadn’t foreseen the slow deterioration of their bond.
The more I read on this topic, the less alone l felt. I learned how common this experience is for women. While writing her book, You’re the Only One I Can Tell: Inside the Language of Women’s Friendships, author Deborah Tannen – who was also cut out of a female friendship – interviewed several women. Many said the experience was devastating, and they usually didn’t know the reason for their friend’s newfound distance.
For me, the surprise element was the worst part, but it’s often par for the course. Globe writer Zosia Bielski captured this in her highly relatable 2016 article on the unique emotional sting of a friend breakup: “Women are often stunned by how drastically communication can break down between friends who have been talking deeply about everything for years.”
Another piece from this summer looks into why women’s friendships are so complicated. The writer covers a talk by Tannen about the sociology of friendships. Tannen explains that it’s precisely the emotional intimacy of female friendships that can easily cause complications. Not knowing why a friend is ending her relationship with you “is really hurtful because knowing what’s going on is a big part of friendship.”
I still treasure the emotional intimacy of female friendships. Women tend to have the ability to truly see each other, and it’s empowering. However, the flip side of that is the judgement we can hastily cast on each other, often in a way that only we can see as well. As Tannen explains, while the constant connection that can be the hallmark of these relationships leads to emotional intimacy, it also creates more opportunities for one of us to say the wrong thing.
I continue to experience anxiety in my friendships with women: I feel unprepared for the unpredictable consequences of accidentally saying something that alienates me from them. But most of all, I dread the thought of ever being cut out again.
Despite this, and despite all that I’ve learned about these friendships, I’m optimistic. I haven’t given up the chance that one day, I’ll look at BFF jewellery, and instead of quietly cursing it, I’ll purchase it to share with my newfound partner in crime.
What else we’re reading:
I started pursuing various forms of comedy almost two years ago after coming to the realization that I needed a hobby outside of work. Since then, I’ve delved into improv, sketch comedy and stand-up, and performing has now become a regular part of my life. Lately I’ve been revisiting the Upright Citizens Brigade Comedy Improvisation Manual, a cornerstone book on improv. The authors argue that, contrary to popular belief, improv is all about rules and how you construct “the game” or central comedic pattern of a scene (there’s a bit of science to it!). It’s a book I recommend to anyone interested in comedy.
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