A new year has begun, and the cool January air is fragrant with the conviction that this year – this year at last – we will finally get it right. All over the world, people have made New Year’s resolutions. In 2025, we will be the better versions of ourselves that have been cloaked beneath the trials and strains of the everyday.
It’s all nonsense of course, an illusion, a sweaty pantomime played before an empty house just before the curtain drops. Not that this makes any difference. We would not trade our illusions for all the truth in the world.
And so, in this spirit I present my “Road Sage Resolutions for 2025.” I’ve got one big vow and a few lesser ones that I’ve convinced myself I will keep. So, let the self-defeat begin.
This year, I promise, it will be different.
Be a rat
The Chinese New Year arrives on Jan. 29, ushering in the “Year of the Wood Snake,” a period that offers the opportunity for wisdom and transformation. I’m going to skip the snake. As far as transforming my driving goes, in 2025 I’m going to pretend it’s the “Year of the Rat.”
I’ve been inspired by Kelly Lambert, a professor of behavioural neuroscience at the University of Richmond, who has been studying driving rats for almost a decade. In 2019, she and her team of researchers trained rats to drive tiny cars made from a clear plastic food container stuck on wheels. The rats learned how to navigate the car and engage in steering patterns. Rats who passed their “driver’s test” were rewarded with Froot Loops. Researchers found that the driving rats had healthier stress hormone profiles than they had prior to their training.
Lambert and her team released the results of further driving rat research in November 2024. Using “rat-operated vehicles” (ROVs) that featured rat-proof wiring, indestructible tires and ergonomic driving levers, Lambert discovered “that the rats had an intense motivation for their driving training, often jumping into the car and revving the ‘lever engine’ before their vehicle hit the road.” When she entered her lab, she “noticed something unusual: The three driving-trained rats eagerly ran to the side of the cage, jumping up like my dog does when asked if he wants to take a walk.”
Intrigued, the University of Richmond team devised a behavioural test to assess the rats’ motivation to drive. “Instead of only giving rats the option of driving to the Froot Loop Tree, they could also make a shorter journey on foot – or paw, in this case. Surprisingly, two of the three rats chose to take the less efficient path of turning away from the reward and running to the car to drive to their Froot Loop destination. This response suggests that the rats enjoy both the journey and the rewarding destination.”
People loathe driving. Rats love the thrill of the open road. They experience the pure driving power that we see in car commercials. As they cruise to their Froot Loop reward, we can only suspect that Lambert’s driving rats feel the wind in their hair and their claw on the accelerator. Their driving delight offers an insight into the “neural principles” that direct our lives. “Rather than pushing buttons for instant rewards, they remind us that planning, anticipating and enjoying the ride may be key to a healthy brain,” she writes.
Sounds good to me. I’m not saying I will drive out of my way for some item I can get within a close walk, but when I must be in the car, I want to be happy, not miserable. So, hand me the keys and pass the Froot Loops.
Drive from Florence to Palermo
Rats love their ROVs in their lab, but if they had a choice I’m sure rats would rather drive a Ferrari GTC4 Lusso through Italy. Driving in Italy is a pleasure, if you avoid the cities. It’s fair to say that Italy is an enthusiastic car culture and Italians – in general – appreciate automobiles and driving skills. If driving all the way from Florence is not feasible, I’d at least want to circumnavigate Sicily. I owe the rats that much.
Never stop never bicycling
I am a strong believer in other people bicycling. It’s fast, good for the environment and an excellent form of physical fitness – for other people. Personally, I have a deep fear of bicycles. You know when you’re watching an old black and white movie, and somebody gives a kid a horse and you immediately know that kid is going to die riding that horse? That’s how I feel about cycling. I was a keen cyclist until my late teens, despite being in a bicycle accident at the age of 10 that required knee surgery. In 1985, however, a friend of mine was struck by an 18-wheeler while cycling. He died. That was pretty much it for me. I can still feel the horror that swept through me when I was told that he had not died instantly.
Also, they have never been able to teach a rat to ride a bicycle. If it’s not a good fit for a rat it’s not a good fit for me.
Always use my travel mug when driving
I was given a lovely sage green travel mug for Christmas. It is the first travel mug I have ever owned. Don’t ask me the make of it, as I was so excited to use it I shredded any identifying documentation while opening it. It is made from steel, has an ergonomic handle and is decorated with caffeine-adjacent words such as “Café Breve” and “Macchiato.” It’s wonderful. I have not spilled coffee on myself since Dec. 25. This is a big step forward for me as I have been spilling coffee on myself while driving for more than three decades.
When it comes to resolutions, I’ve found it is always best to stop at four. Anything more strikes of overreach. Also, rats only have four fingers on their front paws. I don’t want to have more resolutions than they can count. We’re in this together, after all.