It was the late afternoon of December 22 and the driver behind me was angry. He was angry because I would not run over the man crossing the street.
He honked aggressively. The guy behind me believed that if I turned right and drove my Mini Cooper over the man crossing the street, he would get to turn right after me and he would be able to shave the approximate 16 seconds it was taking the man to cross the street from the length of his journey.
If I did as he desired and ran over the man crossing the street, I would be guilty of committing a felony and he would be required to remain at the scene and give evidence as an eyewitness. This would delay him considerably more than my waiting for the man to cross the street.
I explained the situation to my adult son, who was in the passenger seat. “That guy is a (here, I used a string of profanity) does he want me to kill that guy?” I tried to yell backward at the honker, “Do you want me to kill that guy? He has a right to cross the (more profanity) street. What is your (more profanity) problem.”
“It’s crazy,” my son replied, hoping perhaps, that this quiet agreement would end my diatribe.
“Well,” I explained. “It’s (a string of profanity) Christmas and every (profanity) driver on the (adjective-laden profanity) road is in a (think: “in summation” style profanity) mood because they’re in a hurry because its Christmas.”
This was not the first, nor would it be the last, of the “12 Honks of Christmas.” I was honked at for not blocking an intersection. I was honked at for yielding the right of way correctly at a four-way stop. It was like a flock of geese was behind the wheel of every automobile. It doesn’t matter if you celebrate the holiday or not, the roadway rush crushes everyone. It’s the most hostile time of the year.
Road Rage is almost as Christmasy as mistletoe and candy canes. A recent study out of the U.K. shows one in four Brits have been victims of road rage during the Christmas season. It found that “festive stress” leads to more aggressive driving with nearly a third of respondents “claiming that driving is more stressful.”
A 2013 survey of American drivers by insurer State Farm discovered that a “third of drivers say their likelihood to engage in aggressive driving increases during the winter holidays.”
During the run up to Christmas, parking lots become gladiatorial arenas where wage slaves battle to the death for parking spaces. Some creep slowly trolling for an empty spot while others see the parking lot as their own personal NASCAR track and speed like deranged maniacs.
I avoid shopping malls religiously during Christmas. Even a Canadian Tire parking lot is too Mad Max for my liking. I make an exception for the St. Lawrence Market, where I load up on essentials such as my beloved Rocchetta from Piedmont. I know of a parking garage where you can always find a spot. I will never reveal its location.
We’ve just gone through the Christmas Rush. We are now in the “Boxing Day Dip.” This is a brief reprieve from our normal congested chaos caused not by any improvements in weather or infrastructure but by a decrease on the road of that most irritating of irritants – drivers. We have a entire year to get ready to be better next Christmas season. Let’s all work on it.
I will never understand what it is about Christmas that brings out such awful behaviour. Put aside the secular commercial aspects, on a spiritual level this is the good news holiday – “For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.”
You know, God becoming human by taking on flesh. Born being the operative word. It’s the beginning.
Shouldn’t Easter be the road rage season? Shouldn’t those who celebrate Christmas be driving around angry during the run-up to Good Friday? That is the more fraught religious holiday of the two.
There’s the crucifixion, the suffering, the resurrection. Yes, it leads to victory over sin and death and the foundation of salvation and eternal life, but Easter is the culmination of God’s plan, and it is way more stressful. People should be road raging then but they are relatively calm.
All I want for Christmas on the roads next year is for everyone to (more profanity) calm down.