CIBC
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CIBC used to be the bank most likely to walk into a sharp object. This week, it was the bank most likely to walk into a big pile of cold, hard cash. Kicking off the earnings season, CIBC said first-quarter profit more than quadrupled to $652-million, driven by strong results in lending, investment banking and trading. In a show of goodwill, it promptly slashed service charges across the board. Kidding. |
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Working in a bottling plant wouldn't be so bad, because when no one was looking you could probably lick up pop that spilled on the floor. Of course, you could afford to buy all the soda you want if you own stock of Coca-Cola Enterprises Shares of Coke's largest bottler surged after the soft-drink giant agreed to buy CCE's North American operations in a deal worth more than $12-billion. |
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Boring: Reading company prospectuses and annual reports. Exciting: Investing in Bowne & Co. , which prints prospectuses and annual reports. Shares of the marketing and investor communications company surged after RR Donnelley, one of the world's biggest commercial printers, acquired Bowne for $481-million in cash. Risk factors of investing in this stock: You may get stinking rich. |
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Why rent a horror flick at Blockbuster when you can scare the crap out of yourself just watching its stock price plunge? The movie-rental chain, hammered by competition from mail-order and on-demand movie services, posted a fourth-quarter loss of $435-million as doubts grow about the company's ability to service its debts next year. Investors have seen enough of this movie. |
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Quick and easy ways to lose weight: 1) Eat only at your company cafeteria; 2) Duct tape your mouth; 3) Invest all your money in Weight Watchers . Shares of the company plunged after it issued a disappointing forecast for 2010, citing weak attendance at its weight-control meetings because of the struggling economy. Shareholders are skipping meals to make ends meet. |
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