Ian and Diane Cairns are pictured by the cottage they co-own with other local families in Lindsay, Ont. After retiring, the Cairns enjoy travelling together but often pursue different activities.Galit Rodan/The Globe and Mail
For some retired couples, the toughest milestones are behind them. They’ve raised kids, paid off the mortgage and saved up enough to finally kick back and enjoy life. But what do you do when your post-retirement goals don’t align with your spouse’s? Maybe you want to splurge on travelling the world, while your spouse wants to stay home and play pickleball.
Money can be a point of contention for many couples, young and old, but how to spend it during your retirement years has less to do with finances than respecting each other’s independence, according to some retirees.
“We definitely have different personalities [but] we complement each other,” said 73-year-old Ian Cairns of Lindsay, Ont. “Marriage is a compromise.”
Mr. Cairns retired from his job as an accountant five years before his wife did so he could care for their grandson, who has cerebral palsy. This allowed her to continue working in her demanding human resources job.
“I wasn’t interested in retirement, as I loved working,” said Diane Cairns. “He did all the housework, he did all the laundry … and he’d even bring me lunch.”
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Mr. Cairns describes himself as a homebody and has been diving into a new hobby – working on his Toyota FJ Cruiser SUV using skills he’s learned from YouTube videos.
Now that she’s retired too, Ms. Cairns keeps herself busy as a “granny nanny” to her grandkids, sitting on boards and volunteering at a local hospice organization.
She recognizes that she’s part of a generation of women who often stayed home while she, on the other hand, chose a career. “Most of my friends were at home the whole time. They resented their husbands suddenly coming home and then having all these ideas [on how to spend their time],” she said. “I think it’s just important for people to be able to respect individuals and not expect the other person to just give up their lives.”
The Cairns are now enjoying travelling together but often pursue different activities. “I love cruises, [but] he’ll spend a lot of time on the balcony,” Ms. Cairns said.
Navigating retirement together can be tricky for some couples when interests change and plans don’t align. Sebastien Betermier, a finance professor at McGill University, advises couples to simply “talk it out,” adding that it’s common for new retirees to even feel lost or anxious. “One day you’re working, and the next day you’re retired. You had structure in your life, and now it’s a bit of a downwind,” he said.
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Restlessness can be particularly acute when you’re waiting for your partner to retire. “I’m busier now than I was when I was working,” said 65-year-old Dwayne Askin of Ladner, B.C. “I can’t move as fast, but there’s no shortage of things to do.”
The former electrician spends his time attempting DIY home projects and walking the family dog, Raider, while his wife enjoys partial retirement. “She keeps herself busy outside of the house more than I do. She’s always going somewhere, playing [softball] or hockey or whatever,” Mr. Askin said.
His wife, Diane, is a small-business owner who says that while she’d like to retire, stepping away from work isn’t easy when you have a sense of responsibility for your employees.
Like her, soon-to-be retirees are likely to experience a “ramp-up toward retirement” or a gradual move away from work, according to Prof. Betermier, who teaches a personal finance course on retirement planning.
He says conversations about retirement should focus on three stages of life. Those aged 65 to 75, while they have good health on their side, may consider travelling, taking care of grandchildren, volunteering or even working part-time – either by choice or out of necessity. Those aged 75 to 80 may consider full retirement and a slower pace of life, while those in their 80s may have to look at assisted living.
While financial planning at any age is important, Prof. Betermier says retirement brings new risks that partners often feel uncomfortable talking about. “Consider what’s feasible given your needs, not just your financial means, but your health,” he said. “At this point, it’s more about how you decide to decumulate your assets.”
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At the heart of these conversations are trust and honesty, says 70-year-old Terrie Cruly of Tsawwassen, B.C. She and her wife combined their finances early on in their relationship and sought the advice of a financial planner, who helped build a timeline and identify any gaps in their plans. “It’s shocking to me how many people at my age don’t have wills,” she said.
The Askins took the opposite approach, however, never having worked with a budget. “We weren’t great planners. We did okay, not awesome, but we’re not uncomfortable,” Ms. Askin said. “We just never got into debt unless it was for a house. We didn’t take out loans to own vehicles.”
That includes their “COVID trailer,” which they purchased when the individual activities they enjoyed came to a halt. They take road trips to campgrounds in the B.C. Interior, where they hike, bike, fish and visit local breweries. Their biggest trip to date was all over the Western U.S., sparked by Ms. Askin’s interest in playing in a softball tournament in Utah.
It’s an example of how different interests or conflicting schedules can work in retirement. “It’s about mutual respect for independence,” Ms. Askin said.
Mr. Cairns says aligning how you spend your time and money in retirement comes down to the old adage that “love conquers all.”
“We enjoy being with each other, like we can be at different parts of the house and doing our own things. We’re both independent people,” he said of his wife of almost 50 years. “But you know, I’d rather be with her than not with her.”
