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Ask a Child Psychologist is a series of columns offering insights and advice on navigating youth emotional and mental well-being. It is not a substitute for professional psychological or medical advice.
After more than 25 years in clinical practice as a psychologist, one of the most emotionally charged experiences I’ve witnessed among parents is receiving their child’s mental-health or developmental diagnosis. The moment is often followed by a flood of questions: What does this mean for my child’s future? How will it affect their daily life? How will others see or treat them?
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Alongside this emotional weight come difficult decisions about disclosure. Parents often ask me what they should share with others; and perhaps most delicately – what they should say to their child.
Here are some principles to help parents make thoughtful, informed choices about what to disclose and to whom.
Who actually needs to know?
Teachers are often at the top of the list – and for good reason. Children spend a large part of their day in school, and challenges related to mental health or development tend to surface in the classroom environment. Teachers function in loco parentis, meaning they act in the place of the parent during school hours. For them to respond with understanding and flexibility, they need the right information.
Imagine a highly anxious child who experiences a “flight” response and abruptly leaves the classroom. A teacher unaware of the child’s underlying struggle might interpret this as misbehaviour or defiance. But with context, the same teacher can respond with compassion and calm. The goal is to help educators see that a child is having a hard time – not giving them a hard time.
In extracurricular settings, such as sports, music lessons or summer camp, the decision to disclose is more nuanced. Whether or not to share information depends on the specific setting and the kinds of demands it places on your child. It’s helpful to think in terms of practical needs: Will challenges likely arise for your child that the supervising adult should be prepared for? Will a bit of context improve your child’s experience or safety?
In many cases, a brief, focused explanation will suffice. For example: “My child sometimes struggles with transitions. Giving them a five-minute warning before switching activities can really help.” Unless a diagnosis directly affects safety or your child’s ability to participate, naming it is often unnecessary. The emphasis should stay on what support looks like, not on the label.
Disclosure to extended family can be just as complex. Relatives may observe that a child seems different or struggles in certain situations, but that doesn’t mean they need the full story. When considering whether to share, it can be helpful to ask: Will this information strengthen the relationship between this family member and my child? Is it necessary for them to be able to offer meaningful support?
Often, a broad and gentle explanation is enough. For instance: “Busy family gatherings can feel overwhelming for her. It helps when visits are calm and predictable.” The goal with family is usually to build empathy and understanding – without compromising your child’s privacy.
What should parents avoid disclosing?
Advocating for your child should never come at the cost of their privacy. Most adults in their life don’t need detailed personal information. Traumas, sensitive medical concerns or academic struggles should only be shared when directly relevant to the situation.
What should you say to your child?
When it comes to talking with children about their diagnosis or related challenges, I recommend a “just enough” approach. Parents often feel they need to offer more explanation than children are developmentally ready to absorb. In reality, young children benefit most from simple, honest, age-appropriate conversations that help them understand their experiences without overwhelming them.
For children under the age of 12, I often advise against naming the diagnosis directly. At this age, children may not fully grasp the concept of privacy and may repeat labels freely in social settings that leave them vulnerable. Instead, focus on specific challenges they might face and strategies for handling them. You might say something like, “It might be hard for you to sit still through tomorrow’s assembly. If you need a break, ask your teacher if you can go get a drink of water.” This kind of language empowers the child with tools, not labels.
As children enter adolescence, their capacity for self-reflection and discretion grows. Around the age of 12, many are ready to hear diagnostic terms and engage in conversations about what the diagnosis means and what it doesn’t. At this stage, it’s helpful to frame the information in a way that emphasizes ownership. Let them know that this is their story to tell, and encourage them to think about what they’re comfortable sharing, and with whom. Helping teens understand their diagnosis in context can set the tone for healthy boundaries and confidence in adulthood.
There is no universal script for disclosure. Every child, every family and every diagnosis is different. What remains constant, however, is the need for thoughtful, intentional communication – anchored in love, respect and a deep commitment to your child’s well-being.
Dr. Jillian Roberts is a research professor of educational psychology at the University of Victoria. She is also a practising registered psychologist in British Columbia, Alberta, Yukon and the Northwest Territories. She specializes in child and adolescent development, family therapy and inclusive education.