Research has found the COVID-19 pandemic only intensified the isolation of youth.Illustration by The Globe and Mail/iStock
Ask a Child Psychologist is a series of columns offering insights and advice on navigating youth emotional and mental well-being. It is not a substitute for professional psychological or medical advice.
Watching your child struggle with loneliness can feel like standing outside in the cold, pressing your hand against the window while they sit alone inside – close enough to see their pain, yet powerless to ease it. Seeing your child sit alone at lunch, left off a birthday party list, or quietly excluded from a friend group can awaken something primal – a mix of sorrow, protectiveness and helplessness.
Children today are lonelier than ever. Research involving more than a million adolescents across 37 countries found that nearly twice as many reported high levels of school loneliness in 2018 compared to 2012, mirroring increases in depression and anxiety. Research (including my own at the University of Victoria) has found that the COVID-19 pandemic only intensified the isolation of youth.
In Canada, loneliness was included as an indicator in the 2021 Statistics Canada National Quality of Life Framework. It found that youth aged 15-24 experienced the highest rate of loneliness: nearly 1 in 4 reported they “always or often” felt lonely.
The changing nature of childhood friendships has also contributed to growing social isolation. Children spend less time in unstructured outdoor play and more time online. Paradoxically, despite constant digital connection, many feel lonelier than ever. Countries with higher smartphone use report greater school loneliness – which is perhaps not surprising given that phone use often fosters shallow, less enjoyable interactions rather than meaningful socializing.
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In clinical practice, I see many forces contributing to loneliness. Some children move between two homes, making it hard to sustain consistent friendships. Others are overscheduled with structured activities, leaving little time for the kind of free play where social skills truly develop. Even strict limits on technology – though well intentioned – can isolate some children. For many, multiplayer video games and in-game chats are central social spaces. Kids without gaming systems – or with tight screen-time rules – can miss out on shared experiences, making it harder to join in peer conversations or play. It’s a delicate balance for parents.
It’s important for parents to support their kids’ social connections early in life. Childhood friendships are not extras – they are essential for healthy social development. They foster empathy, co-operation and problem-solving while also boosting confidence, belonging and resilience. Connected children navigate challenges more effectively and grow into emotionally healthy adults.
Here are six ways parents can help children build meaningful connections.
1. Recognize loneliness
Children don’t always say they feel lonely – sometimes they don’t have the words or they feel embarrassed and blame themselves. Loneliness often shows up through behaviour: spending more time alone, losing interest in activities or seeming unusually quiet or irritable after school. Some children say they feel “left out,” while others insist they’re fine even when they seem disconnected.
Parents can gently open the door to understanding with questions like, “Who did you spend time with today?” or “Was there anyone you wanted to hang out with but couldn’t?” Asking with warmth and curiosity ‐ and listening without judgment – helps children feel safe enough to share what they’re really feeling.
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2. Prioritize social time
Friendships need both time and opportunity to grow. Make space in your family’s schedule for informal, relationship-building experiences. For younger children, this might mean arranging playdates or inviting classmates over. For older children, it could involve offering rides, organizing outings or buying an extra ticket to a game or concert so they can invite a friend. Unstructured, low-pressure time helps friendships take root.
3. Teach friendship skills
Social skills can be taught and practised, just like reading or sports. If your child struggles socially despite opportunities to connect, talk to them about friendship skills. A useful phrase is: “To have good friends, you must first be a good friend.” This shifts the focus from passively hoping to be liked to actively showing kindness and care. Encourage your child to listen, share, support and include others, apologize when needed, and reach out to peers who feel left out.
4. Encourage inclusivity, rather than popularity
Encourage friendships with children from different cultural backgrounds, abilities, and perspectives. These relationships can deepen understanding and compassion. Downplay popularity – one or two close, loyal friends are far more valuable than a large but superficial social circle. Remind your child that belonging comes from being accepted for who they are, not from being liked by everyone.
5. Build community connections
Children thrive when they feel part of a community. Get to know classmates’ parents, attend school events and join neighbourhood gatherings. Hosting a casual potluck or play afternoon can foster belonging for both children and parents. Children learn by watching adults nurture friendships, which helps them develop these skills themselves.
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6. Recognize shyness vs. social anxiety
It’s important to distinguish shyness from social anxiety. Some children are naturally quiet and prefer smaller groups or time alone – this is temperament. Social anxiety, however, occurs when a child wants to connect but is paralyzed by fear of embarrassment or rejection, leading to avoidance and deeper isolation. Recognizing the difference allows parents to respond appropriately – with gentle support and, when needed, professional guidance to help the child manage anxiety and build confidence.
Dr. Jillian Roberts is a research professor of educational psychology at the University of Victoria. She is also a practising registered psychologist in British Columbia, Alberta, Yukon and the Northwest Territories. She specializes in child and adolescent development, family therapy and inclusive education.