Sneksy/Getty Images
Raising five kids aged 10 to 22 is a rollercoaster. Helping a handful of humans navigate their formative teenage years has been a challenge at times, but rewarding above all else. I’m learning just as much as they are.
When I look back on my experience parenting teens, and look forward to what lies ahead, I can break down some of what I’ve learned into teachable moments.
1. Don’t impose – model
I believe there is a universality to some Indigenous teachings that can benefit anyone. For example, the Cree teaching of non-interference: You don’t interfere with how another person lives their life – even your children. They have to find their own way.
When we had kids, I wanted so badly for one of them to play basketball because I used to play. Ultimately, they chose different sports and I never got my basketball star, but I’m proud of them for choosing activities they love.
I learned this approach from my father, who, rather than imposing his values on me, chose to set an example by how he lived, knowing that I would learn from that modelling. Sure enough, I’ve learned what it means for me to be who I am, and a lot of my work as a writer is inspired by my father’s example in Indigenous education. My parents let me choose my own path and ensured that path was a good one by walking a good path themselves.
2. Set boundaries, find balance
Part of being a teenager is doing stuff that you shouldn’t be doing. I can’t count how many times I came home, before I was of legal drinking age, thinking that a breath mint would cover up my transgression. I thought it worked, but my mother knew what I was up to. She also knew what the boundaries were, when to enforce them and when to let things slide.
We know that our kids have done a thing or two they shouldn’t be doing, but we’ve made sure they’re safe. We’ve outlined reasonable boundaries for them, such as setting a curfew and advising them to never get in the car with someone who has been drinking, and that has encouraged their independence and sense of responsibility. We have given them space to make mistakes and learn from them, building trust that goes both ways.
3. Stay connected
Teenagers can be tough. They can act out, with outbursts that seem out of character. They can disappear into themselves, and it feels like they’re withdrawing from who they once were, and also from you. However, even if they are distant or yelling that they hate you, they need to know that, as hard as they push, they aren’t going to push you away.
Figure out ways to maintain connection through small gestures with a big impact. Set aside one day a week for a family meal, to encourage conversation. Send a supportive text, just to let them know you’re around. Or show up to their events: a play or a dance recital. Maybe they need a ride home from a party at two in the morning. Just show up. These small, consistent signs of care and presence matter more than any lecture. And you never know when they might open up to you as a result.
4. Pick your battles
Parenting teenagers can feel like a battlefield. Knowing which battles are worth fighting is an important skill. The wiser decision is to let minor issues – a messy room or fashion choices – slide. It’s a good way to preserve trust and to keep communication open.
Focus energy on behaviour that affects safety, respect or core values. This can include honesty or how they treat others. Consequences for wrongdoing should make sense and connect to the behaviour. If your teen takes the car and brings it back with an empty gas tank, don’t take away the keys to prove a point – ask them to fill the tank. This helps a kid understand cause and effect, and fosters accountability. Being mindful about when to guide and when to let go helps your teen grow with confidence, knowing that your boundaries come from care and respect.
5. Remember, you’re growing too
Parenting a teenager is also about growing alongside them. Kids are mirrors. They reflect not only what we model for them or teach them, but what we still need to learn to become better parents. When we listen to a kid at any age, we’re reminded that understanding doesn’t come from control, but rather connection. Parenting a teen, then, asks us to practice patience, empathy and humility.
The love we have for our kids isn’t about always being right. It’s about being willing to learn. That’s a journey we’re on ourselves, too, and in the end, it’s one that we’re all walking together.
David A. Robertson is a two-time Governor-General’s Literary Award winner and has won the TD Canadian Children’s Literature Award and the Writers’ Union of Canada Freedom to Read Award. He is a member of Norway House Cree Nation and lives in Winnipeg.