University of Calgary researcher Nicole Letourneau's study suggests that feeling supported by a partner is the single most important factor in a mother’s mental health.WOJTEK RADWANSKI/AFP/Getty Images
“Mom, can we have hot chocolate?” my kids pleaded one night as we got in the door from a neighbourhood walk to see the Christmas lights. It was past bedtime, and it had already been a magical night. But I want them to remember that their mom is super fun and super festive, so I said, “Sure we can!”
As I was dishing out the marshmallows, my brain scrolled through all the holiday prep I have yet to finish. I don’t have Christmas gifts for the teachers. I don’t have tape. I don’t have a sentimental-but-not-too-sentimental gift for my mother-in-law. I haven’t bought cheese and crackers for the casual, effortless holiday party I’m hosting, which is neither casual, nor effortless. Does the dog walker need a gift from the dogs? Do I need to buy eggnog? Does the Elf on the Shelf – my arch nemesis – need a new shtick?
I used to relish the lead-up to Christmas. But now, with two young kids, there are no warm and fuzzy feelings, only an avalanche of a mental load so heavy I might break.
As I’m running around trying to manufacture the most magic, I hear my mom’s voice in my head. ‘Christmas always falls on the women, doesn’t it?’ It was something she used to say every Christmas Eve as we fervently wrapped gifts together. Even presents that were for her, she’d wrap and quietly hand to the men to sign the next morning.
Much has changed since her generation. My husband and I share parenting and household duties year-round – and he does the cooking on Christmas Day. But only one person is brainstorming sustainable stocking stuffers, hanging garland down the stair railing ever so perfectly, while planning outfits for our family holiday card, and then ordering his mother’s custom puzzle before bed.
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Every year, the holiday demands seem to get the best of me. Last Christmas, after my children tore through their stockings, I went back to bed out of sheer exhaustion, and stayed there until dinner. I missed all of the magic I had worked so hard to create.
Why do moms shoulder so much of this seasonal madness – and why hasn’t it changed?
“There is a social and cultural overlay, for sure – but there is also biology,” said Nicole Letourneau, the University of Calgary’s Research Excellence Chair in Parent and Child Health. “Women are by nature more drawn to relationship strengthening and bringing people together. That’s at the core of most Christmas things, isn’t it?”
Problems arise, when women don’t feel supported in their efforts – or when they’re simply expected to do it, she said.
Her research, including a 16-year-long study of Alberta families, suggests that feeling supported by a partner is the single most important factor in a mother’s mental health. “If she has strong support, her relationships and her own well-being are far more likely to be strong,” Letourneau explained.
At the same time, women need to ask for help rather than trying to make the holidays perfect all on their own, Letourneau said.
“I just got home from Europe and my kids came over, and said: ‘Wow, the house isn’t ready yet?’,” Letourneau said. “I told my husband to do the tree, and it will be good enough.”
I remind myself of this – let go of perfection, ask for help – but then the school e-mail arrives: Would anyone like to lead a holiday craft with the kindergarten students?
I’m a super-festive mom, so of course I respond, “I can!” Suddenly, my December shrinks further, and I wind up surrounded by pipe cleaners, toilet paper rolls, and construction paper as I prepare to help craft dozens of DIY Christmas crackers (à la Meghan, Duchess of Sussex, in her super casual Netflix holiday special.)
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But parenting educator Jon Fogel, known for his Whole Parent Instagram account and podcast, said moms and dads alike should take a more laid-back approach to the season. “Our holiday stress level is whatever we allow it to be.”
Fogel’s wife handles the gift buying because “she’s just better at it,” he said, adding December is the busiest time of year for him, too. He’s a dad to four kids and a pastor at a small-town church near Chicago, making him “the sole employee in an organization who deeply cares about Christmas.”
Fogel, whose book Punishment-Free Parenting draws from neuroscience and developmental psychology, said less is truly more – especially at Christmas. He points to research showing that having fewer toys leads kids to engage in longer, more imaginative play.
“We’ve been sold a lie that more stuff and more work and more pressure to perform is actually going to make your kids’ happy.” Fogel told me proudly – and to my astonishment – that his kids received a single gift each last Christmas: remote control cars, which they adored.
I was inspired. I no longer want Christmas Day’s arrival to feel like a finish line, the end of an impossible marathon – and I don’t want my daughters to learn these behaviours, either.
So, when my mom called asking for the kids’ wish list, I held back from offering a super-festive, super-organized reply. “I don’t know,” I said, watching my eldest make paper chains at the table. “To me, they don’t need anything.” It’s true, they already have a lot: shelves full of books, enough dress-up clothes to costume a small theatre troupe. And they also have a lot, in the most important ways.
My mom paused. “Who should I ask?” A good question, and one I’m beginning to realize I shouldn’t be responsible for answering.
Editor’s note: The photo accompanying this article has been updated. The previous image did not meet The Globe and Mail's standards due to the application of editing tools.