Melanie Lacob with her two children (names withheld for privacy) at home in West Vancouver, B.C., on Jan. 25. Like many millennial parents, Ms. Lacob has been hesitant to send her kids on sleepovers over the years.Jimmy Jeong/The Globe and Mail
Some of Melanie Lacob’s favourite childhood memories are from sleepovers. She grew up in Ottawa in the 1990s, and from the age of 8 onward had sleepovers with her best friend at each other’s homes just about every weekend. They were like never-ending playdates, she said. Non-stop fun.
So about a year ago, when Ms. Lacob’s 10-year-old daughter first began asking for sleepovers, the now-42-year-old was surprised at her hesitation. Her mind went immediately to horror stories she’d heard on social media and in the news – headlines and revelations in recent years about bullying and abuse happening everywhere, from the worlds of sports and film to the Catholic Church.
“It just scares the living daylights out of you,” she said. “It’s really made me second-guess whether sleepovers are a good idea.”
Ms. Lacob is far from alone. Across the country – at school drop-offs, in online parent groups and across social media – sleepovers, which were once considered a rite of passage, have become the subject of intense debate. On one side are the parents who view them as an important part of childhood bonding, and a step toward independence. On the other are parents who consider the potential risks too high.
When Ms. Lacob’s 10-year-old daughter first began asking for sleepovers, the now-42-year-old was surprised at her hesitation.Jimmy Jeong/The Globe and Mail
The concerns, in many cases, stem from an increased awareness in recent years about the prevalence of child abuse – and the fear that children might be especially vulnerable at sleepovers. In one high-profile case last year, an Oregon man was sentenced to prison for drugging his daughters’ 12-year-old friends with smoothies laced with benzodiazepines at a sleepover. Social media, where stories like this are spread far and wide, is a venue for some of the most heated debate. YouTube, Instagram and TikTok have countless video warnings from pediatricians, law-enforcement officers and child therapists, all with different versions of the title, “Why I Don’t Let My Child Go To Sleepovers.”
Fuelling the fears – and debate – is the absence of data. In Canada, at least, there doesn’t appear to be solid information around the safety of sleepovers. And in that vacuum, parents are left to fill in the blanks with the data they do have – that, according to a 2018 Statistics Canada survey, about 27 per cent of Canadians said they had experienced physical or sexual abuse before the age of 15, and that the perpetrator is often someone who is known.
Sleepover reluctance seems to be especially intense among millennials.
Karin Jensen, a 36-year-old Vancouver mom, has adopted a strictly no-sleepover rule for her sons – not with friends, or even relatives. “I think it’s a millennial thing,” she said. “I think that we’re a lot more open about our traumas and things that happened to us … and so the thought of a sleepover hits us a little bit different.”
When Kari Skelton, a 43-year-old Edmonton mom and content creator, turned to her more than 17,000 Instagram followers for their thoughts, the responses were overwhelming. “The feedback I got,” she said, “was a resounding ‘no.’” There were concerns about abuse and bullying, but also unsupervised use of technology and even just sleep deprivation.
Growing up, Parisa Kasaei, whose family immigrated from Iran, wasn’t allowed sleepovers. (For her Persian parents, as with many cultures around the world, sleepovers were simply a no-go.) So, as a 41-year-old mom, she and her husband “teeter-tottered,” she said. “We were like, ‘Should we let our kids do it because we wanted it so bad for ourselves?’” Ultimately, they decided no – and not for reasons of culture, but of safety.
Rosalia Rivera, based in B.C., teaches consent and body safety at schools. A survivor of childhood abuse and a parent, she warns that abuse can take place at sleepovers – by other parents, relatives in the home or even peers. She adds that, with screens now everywhere, kids can easily be exposed to inappropriate or dangerous content on the internet – or even find themselves engaging online with potential predators.
Still, she doesn’t believe in blanket rules on the issue. “It’s not about scaring anyone into saying, ‘I’m never going to do a sleepover,’” she said. “It’s really just about helping parents make more informed decisions.”
She suggests a checklist of questions parents ask before agreeing to a sleepover: How well do I know the family? Does my child understand body safety? Are they able to communicate and advocate for themselves effectively? For most children, she said, that ability typically begins between the ages of 9 and 12.
She also suggests asking direct questions of the other family: Who will be in the home? What are the sleeping arrangements? What are your policies around technology and devices?
“Having that conversation with the parents might feel a little bit uncomfortable, but it’s better than putting your child in an uncomfortable situation,” she said.
Ms. Lacob has decided to consider sleepover invitations on a case-by-case basis. She has also encouraged 'sleep-unders' as an alternative – parties where the kids come dressed in their pajamas and go to their own homes for bed.Jimmy Jeong/The Globe and Mail
Other experts and parents, however, emphasized the upsides of sleepovers.
“It can be a really positive experience,” said Shimi Kang, a child psychiatrist and professor at the University of British Columbia. While there can be some risks, she said, “it can be bonding with their peers, and a really good opportunity for positive separation and independence.”
She added that sleepovers can be confidence-building: for children to understand their own abilities to navigate and cope with different situations. “It’s really important,” she added, “for children to feel a sense that the world is safe.”
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Kate Thibault, a 37-year-old mom of three girls in Vancouver, said that while she understands the very real concerns parents have, she believes that the deluge of online information can skew toward the negative.
“I think there is a level of fear-mongering,” she said. “We have all of this information at our fingertips all the time. So it’s easy to scare ourselves, and it’s easy to scare other people.”
She added that it’s easy to lose sight of the potential rewards: kids having fun and making good memories.
For Ms. Lacob, the decision she finally landed on was to avoid sleepovers for the most part, but consider invitations on a case-by-case basis. She’s encouraged “sleep-unders” instead – parties where the kids come dressed in their pyjamas, hang out until late at night, then go to their own homes for bed.
She’s already allowed one sleepover, for her daughter and a close friend – hosted at her own home. “The girls just had so much fun,” she said. “It was non-stop giggles.”
What are your thoughts about kids having sleepovers?
Sleepovers nowadays seem to be a contentious issue, especially among millennial parents. Some worry about the dangers lurking in other people's homes while some say they are an important part of a kid's childhood. Where do you land on the spectrum? Do you think kids should have sleepovers? Why or why not? Reporter Ann Hui and editor Rachel Giese will answer your questions about parenting choices on Thursday, Jan. 30 at 1 p.m. ET. Fill out the form below or send questions to audience@globeandmail.com and they might answer you during the live Q&A!
