Illustration by Drew Shannon
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“He was just a cat.” Funny how common that is. You would never hear a cat lover tell a dog parent the same. While we cat lovers may not want to have dogs for a myriad of reasons, we do understand that there is a deep connection there. We don’t necessarily understand the need to have a creature constantly cheering you on. Our relationships with our fur babies are more complex. A cat is a reflection of yourself. Your judgmental side looking at you living your life and sometimes finding it lacking. It’s a friend and confidant and a bedmate that wakes you up all too often.
My cat was an eight-pound creature that took up way more space than his size warranted in every aspect of my life. He kept me company while I did therapy, liking the fact I was forced to be in one place for an hour and taking advantage of it to be duly petted. He would greet me when I came home with an operatic yowl that could curl your toes. He would remind me when it was bedtime, meowing at me until I moved upstairs to bed and offered more pets before sleep, when he would curl up at my feet keeping me company.
I’m not here to debate which is better. Obviously if you need the constant reinforcement a dog brings to your life that you are great, a cat will seem aloof, distant and judgmental. It isn’t always an easy relationship. Cats come with more than one foot untamed. Some would say they see ghosts and spirits and can communicate with the other side. Scientists have discovered that cats’ brains are more wrinkled than dogs, something that is associated with higher cognitive function and processing power.
I recall listening to an interview with a cat scientist on CBC radio who said something along the lines of, and I paraphrase, it’s not that cats can’t learn tricks, it’s that they don’t necessarily want to. Certainly, any cat person will agree that you can’t make your cat do anything. Most of us don’t even call ourselves cat owners. You can’t own one. The cat distribution system just ensures you get one when it decides you should.
What I can tell you is that he was more than just a cat. He was funny and smart and could make you laugh on your worst day. He would look at you and you could tell he was judging your unfinished projects and life choices. He made coming home more palatable, sleepless nights more enjoyable and added to my quality of life in ways I haven’t even begun to fully categorize as I go from fur mom to none.
Every day since he died in my arms I find new ways to miss him. Every moment shows another way he enriched my world. We always knew he was on borrowed time with his heart murmur, but the sudden death is so much harder and comes with so many more regrets.
Following the monarch butterfly’s migratory journey from my garden to Mexico
It came to me that I would have to go through the eventual loss of my parents without his help and that made me cry on a whole other level. I am a parent myself. I know what it is to miss your child when they go on trips. I know that level of love that a mother has for their baby. I can honestly say that what I’m feeling right now is as intense in its sharpness as when I couldn’t get my child home from Europe during the Air Canada strike, only worse because there is no future where my cat comes home. There is a stillness in the house, a raging gap in the air where his presence should be.
If he and every other one was just a cat, how is it that we humans as a whole are always complimented when a cat chooses you over another? Because we know, deep down, these creatures can see right though you to your deepest parts and when they still choose you, you feel that you are a bit more special. And perhaps that’s the key. A dog is always your cheerleader no matter what you do. A cat makes you earn it, and you become a better person for it.
I will try to travel now that I can, since I no longer have a tiny fur creature who doesn’t like being away from me. I will try to see things and then see them again through his eyes. I will look for the sublime and the stupid and try to take both in stride, just as he would. I will speak of him to people I meet and maybe his stories will one day make me smile again rather than cry. But he was far more than just a cat.
Katia Kreutlein lives in Ottawa, and is a third-generation cat lover.