Illustration by Sarah Farquhar
Recently, I went back to work after being on sick leave for more than a year.
I was extremely worried and apprehensive, mostly because I was afraid that people might judge me. I had already rehearsed how to respond to their nosy questions in my head and how to maintain my composure at all costs, regardless of their dirty looks or awkward silences as I stepped into the office.
Much to my surprise, I was met with none of these things. Every single person – my bosses, my co-workers and even the concierge – greeted me with joy. Some were so happy to see me that they even asked if they could hug me. I could tell that their emotions were genuine and not mere office politics because their faces lit up as soon as they saw mine, and that split second that people usually need to switch their facial expression from a frown to a fake smile was absent. My first day turned out to be a terrific day and I realized just how appreciated I was by the people at my workplace – something I had never realized over the 10 years I had been working there.
Why was I so apprehensive? Where did this fear of being judged come from? For starters, I am a nerdy Type A personality who always strived to score in the 90s with my school marks. At the office, I did overtime hours to get an above-average work evaluation and put in extra effort to achieve the “perfect life” according to societal standards.
In the last three years, however, too many stressful events occurred within a short amount of time. I purchased a house during the red-hot overbidding real estate market. I moved. I watched my mother go through a terminal illness, which required multiple trips across the globe until I lost her. I was also trying to support my then-husband who was going through his own health challenges, and, finally, navigating a separation. Coupling all these life challenges with challenges at work was too much. I could not take it any more and my doctor put me on antidepressants and on sick leave.
In my head, a sick leave made me appear weak, lazy and unprofessional; all the things I had been striving not to be in my life. However, there is a limit to what a human being can bear and I had reached mine.
I had to take a sick leave and it proved to be one of the best decisions I ever made.
On leave, I had time on my hands. I decided to have a thorough health checkup and read up on the illness that my mum suffered for years. In her 40s, she had a brain aneurysm that ruptured and left her mentally impaired for the next 17 years of her life. I found out that I had twice as much chance of having a brain aneurysm owing to my genetic predisposition. My doctor said the probability was slim, only 4 per cent. But I insisted on getting a brain scan – and I fell into that 4 per cent. I was quickly put on a list to be seen by a neurosurgeon and some time later, I had brain surgery to treat the aneurysm, which could have ruptured at any time. Today, I am in excellent health and no longer have to live with a ticking bomb in my head.
While on sick leave, I also had time to reflect on my relationship with my spouse. I realized that even though everything was running smoothly and we got along well, there was no real love between us. We were wasting years of our lives by staying in a marriage that only appeared perfect on the outside. We had an honest discussion and agreed that going our separate ways was the best decision. Had I still been working, I would never have taken the time to look closely at our relationship and it would never have dawned upon me that things were, in reality, not working. This decision required many days of introspection and the mental strength to leave a relationship that was comfortable but in which we were not truly happy.
I wanted to share my story so others can hear that it is okay to take time off to take care of your mental health. You might fear that people will judge you or that you might have to put a career or life that you have taken several years to build and polish on hold. But the people that matter will understand you and still appreciate you. You might even end up making important decisions that will impact the rest of your life. But most of all, it is okay to take time off because you might end up saving your own life.
Sharon Lie lives in Brossard, Que.