Illustration by Christine Wei
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In my 30s, I remember reading about someone who lived with chronic pain, and I thought that it would be a dreadful existence – and here I am.
I’ve been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Wikipedia describes it as a long-term adverse health condition with widespread chronic pain. It goes on to say that other symptoms may also be experienced, and that the causes are unknown.
I have to accept this reality. And I’ve been doing my own research. There are pain flare-ups, and they can take a great deal of time to calm down. There are times when my entire body throbs like a toothache - even when lying down. But what really drains me is my body’s overreaction to the smallest stimuli. Something is off, and my brain can’t seem to regulate my body temperature, breathing or pain.
My toddler is the star of my Nonna’s retirement home
Recently, I went to feed my son’s cat. My journey required a short drive, as well as a walk down a fairly lengthy hall. Hours later, I was still recovering. When I entered my son’s apartment, I was panting and perspiring profusely. I mean, my hair was soaked and sweat was dripping into my eyes. While my whole body felt clammy to the touch, it also felt like I was sweating on the inside. I was so overheated, and was like every ounce of energy was being drained from me. (I am well past menopause.)
At home, I might sit in front of the air conditioning. It helps, but doesn’t always alleviate the horrendous malaise. Three hours after my cat-feeding visit, I was still uncomfortable in a way that’s so difficult to describe – and, I wasn’t doing anything.
The same thing can happen when I go shopping or swimming, but at the pool, I can cool down in the water. Though, by the time I get dressed to go anywhere, I’m already hot again. There are times when my skin sensitivity is off the charts and I can’t bear to wear certain clothes. Some days my muscles cramp and spasm. And then, there’s the fatigue. All of it is exhausting.
My symptoms affect my decisions. I move slower and I have to take time with certain tasks and activities. I’d like to go away this winter on a writing retreat, but the thought of just getting to the airport is paralyzing.
But I do need something to look forward to. I have noticed that I feel somewhat pain-free and energized if I have a reason to be excited – then I get that natural hit of adrenaline.
Following a harrowing divorce after 30 years of marriage, I was aware that my mental health was affecting my physical health. I also have arthritis and degenerative discs in my back, all of which seemed to be exacerbated by my situation.
Chronic pain and autoimmune disorders can be caused by trauma such as a divorce. Our fight-or-flight response produces cortisol and adrenaline, and long-term exposure to those chemicals can cause inflammation in our bodies.
It’s been tough to accept, especially since I was so active and I loved travelling, dancing, hiking and walking. While I know that I need new knees, all the joint replacements won’t help to alleviate this.
My late mother helped me through my mastectomy
The root cause of my illness is unclear. I hate what it does to me, and the limitations that it imposes on me.
When I’m experiencing certain symptoms, I try to push through these barriers, because I want to enjoy life and help others, but it’s not always possible. I have to recognize my limitations. Before I consider an outing, I calculate the answers to the following questions: How long will I have to stand? Will there be a place to sit? Will I have to walk far? What will the weather be like? Is the pain worth it? Will I recover in a day? Or a week?
Some may say that I’m overthinking, but this is the math of chronic illness. And, every ‘yes’ comes with a price that only my body can see – and feel.
Recently, I’ve had a couple of appointments with an internist. He has started me on a combination of medicines that might even be helping. I’m feeling quite hopeful, because I’m determined to beat this.
Catherine Daley lives in Toronto.