First Person is a daily personal piece submitted by readers. Have a story to tell? See our guidelines at tgam.ca/essayguide.
Every morning I wake up, hoping for a "good day." That's how concussions work.
On good days, I can get through my university classes, attend meetings, maybe get some exercise in.
On bad days? On bad days, I'm up shortly after 4 a.m. I wake with pressure in my head. Did I overdo it yesterday? Was that coffee shop too loud? Despite changing beds and chamomile, that's when my day decides to begin.
My sunglasses come on shortly after sunrise. I struggle to tolerate daylight, let alone fluorescent classrooms and projector screens. I smile sheepishly at classmates, but inside, I'm discouraged and deflated. Is this one of the "setbacks" my doctor warned me about? Have I lost months of recovery overnight? Reading is problematic. I'm in a fog, unable to focus. Sometimes, I have a headache – actually, I always have a headache. I won't get into the nausea.
As I write this, I'm hopeful; the bad days are becoming less frequent, and the good days are getting better. But this past summer – the summer that every business student works toward – the bad days consumed me.
After 22 interviews and over 50 hours of case-prep, I'd secured what many would consider to be the consulting internship business students dream of.
The short story is: I never did my internship. My symptoms kept me sidelined.
My classmates' internships offered industry knowledge, tactical skills and personal development. Without all these lessons, I was scared of falling behind.
But as my brain fought its battle, I planned to fight mine. With my blinds down, lights out and house empty, I decided to create my own nine-to-five internship. I had no job description and no pay; but my new couch-bound, concussion-ridden internship would offer all those lessons in its own unique way.
Industry knowledge
Business students segment jobs into industries. There's consulting, banking, pharmaceuticals – the list goes on. But without an actual job, how could I learn about any industry at all?
I had to lower my expectations. My new goal was just to somehow learn something new everyday. So I started listening to podcasts. I kept my phone volume low – that's all I could tolerate. Interested in corporate finance? Let me tell you about selling off accounts receivable to reduce asset risk in emerging markets. Confused by crude oil? Let me walk you through the steps between exploration and futures pricing. Obsessed with Beyoncé? Let me explain how streaming allows musicians to innovate content.
Then I started reading the newspaper. The narrow columns were all I could bear tracking without getting nauseous. I turned my attention to the Yazidis, the Venezuelans and the Syrians. Instead of Netflix, I binged on American politics. There was James Comey week, Russian lawyer week, Paris Climate Accord week, CEO Advisory Council week. Between the analyses and the history behind each saga, I wasn't simply "in the loop;" I was fully engrossed in it.
Did I become an expert in anything? No. But I opened my eyes to everything I'd never bothered to learn about before. I used to acknowledge the age of information. Now, I truly appreciate it.
Tactical skills
Still, I had nothing to show for my new internship. My friends were solving problems and serenading clients with designer decks and stunning spreadsheets. How could I build any tangible skills recovering at home?
Once again, I lowered my expectations. Sure, I learned how to eat breakfast again and sleep before midnight. But moreover, I started finding new ways to handle everyday challenges.
One challenge was informing my employer that I couldn't work. I battled with this decision for many sleepless nights. Shouldn't I just tough it out? Am I accepting defeat? Concussions leave you high and dry: no timeline, no treatment and few test results to work with.
Just as my classmates did with clients, I learned how to manage expectations and have difficult conversations with clarity. I was honest about my abilities and limitations. I gave ideas about how to proceed. And perhaps most importantly, I learned how to ask for help.
Some issues never seemed to resolve. My anxiety grew much worse; concussions will do that. What if I can't return to school? How will I find a full-time job? Normally, Snapchat helps numb the pain; less so when phones are painfully bright to begin with.
So I bought a notebook. I learned how to journal and record my thoughts. I picked up meditation and discovered how awesome breathing can be; I can't promise I'm doing it right, but it works. I learned how to cry again, and boy does it feel good. Are you overwhelmed and stuck? Cry, shower, walk and smile – it'll blow your mind, and clear it, too.
It's true, I can't really stand out at work with these skills. But unlike Excel and PowerPoint, I'm confident these tactical lessons will help me well beyond my 20s. When is the last time you paused your life plan just to focus on yourself?
Personal development
Maybe this is all common sense. Every business needs their competitive advantage; my internship was lacking one. Only when I stopped comparing myself to my classmates did I uncover why my summer was uniquely wonderful.
I learned how to prioritize my health, despite how difficult that is while I'm young. Students rarely set "staying healthy" as one of our ambitions. And yet, all of our ambitions depend on us staying healthy. "Cut yourself some slack," my mother would say. "You can't be so hard on yourself." When life happens, the smart move is to put yourself first. That's easier said than done.
I learned how to live with uncertainty. Most of my fears are just big, scary questions. Reflecting now – nine months later – many still linger. What will I do when I graduate? When will I even be graduating? I've become okay with this uncertainty because I've stopped considering myself invincible. I'm not. No one is.
And finally: I learned that time heals all. My concussion is no different. I'm exhausted, but I'm optimistic. While I'm not at 100 per cent yet, I'll be new and improved when I get there.
How am I feeling? Today was a good day.
Akash Pasricha studies in London, Ont., and lives in Toronto.