"How's it going Mr. Mom?" is a pretty common question for me these days.
My wife returned to work recently after a year of maternity leave and I picked up the mantle, taking unpaid leave from my job so I could look after our daughter full-time and avoid putting her into daycare for a few more months.
Friends, family, colleagues, casual acquaintances - all now throw the term Mr. Mom around with reckless abandon.
In most cases, people aren't intending it to be negative or to poke fun. They are just trying to relate, but I can't help but feel a bit insulted every time I hear it. It paints me and what I am doing as motherly rather than parental. I'm a dad, not a mom, and an equal parent to our daughter.
Caring for and nurturing a child, dealing with day-to-day needs such as diaper changes, feedings, education, love and affection are not solely female responsibilities or motherly traits. These are the hallmarks of all good parents - male or female - who do the important work of helping children do their best in this world.
More and more men are taking this active approach to child care, putting their careers on hold in ways that were rare to non-existent in my parents' and grandparents' generations. A handful of my male friends have taken or plan to take similar leaves. One of my good friends, however, admits he doesn't have it in him. He has two children he loves to pieces, but he can't imagine looking after them all week long.
It was fascinating to hear the reactions of family and friends both before my leave started and now that I've been off for a few months with my 14-month-old daughter.
My father's initial response was, "You can't do that. It's just not right." I think he was unable to grasp the concept and its importance, and also felt it unfair for an employer to have to entertain an employee's request for a leave of this nature.
My mother didn't say much to counter my father's comments, but she was more conciliatory.
My wife's parents, on the other hand, were fairly enthusiastic, with the exception of my mother-in-law's ribbing about feeding my daughter a steady diet of licorice and chips.
My paternal grandparents, much to my surprise, greeted the news positively with a "That's nice, dear" attitude. Whether or not they were more progressive about it than my parents is hard to say, but at least they were respectful. My grandfather did, however, recently ask whether I had dishpan hands, which was more in line with how I figured they would view the situation.
Co-workers and friends were supportive, but a few of my older colleagues seemed to have more trouble with the idea. People made a number of comments about my ability to cook and clean, including a female friend whom I expected to be more liberal-minded. This surprised me most. Would it be acceptable to say such things to a woman about to embark on maternity leave? I think not. Why then is it acceptable to say to a stay-at-home dad? I have thought long and hard about it and all I can chalk it up to is that people couldn't imagine doing what I'm doing and are uncomfortable that traditional gender roles are being challenged.
My wife, while excited for me to have this opportunity, struggled both with having to go back to work and with her perception of her role changing within our household. She admitted to me recently that she was fearful her own bond with our daughter might be eroded because they would be spending less time together. Her fears have been allayed as their bond is as strong as ever. Over the past few months, as she has watched the relationship blossom between me and our daughter, it has confirmed for her that we are doing the right thing for our family.
Since being at home full-time I've learned that community groups that cater to parents and children are overwhelmingly attended by mothers rather than fathers, and in some cases are still named Mother and Tot rather than Parent and Tot.
I sometimes feel a bit awkward as one of the only males in these groups. That said, the instructors and other moms have all been welcoming and supportive. Another stay-at-home dad told me of a time a few years back when he was asked to leave a mothering group because he was a male. Thankfully, things are changing, and more fathers are being welcomed into the available support networks.
I wouldn't trade this experience for anything. I am cementing the bond I have with my daughter, gaining a better understanding of what it takes to raise a child and adding to my own development as a human being. Watching my daughter learn something new, take a step or two and communicate with a new word or gesture are priceless moments.
My heart melts every time she says "Dada!" as she hands me a morsel of her food that she insists I eat, or whenever she crawls over and gives me an unsolicited hug.
In some people's eyes I am giving up thousands of dollars in income that could be used to pay down our mortgage and cover the cost of daycare. The reality to me is that these moments of joy are fleeting, and if one doesn't pay attention, they will be gone forever.
I am a dad, a stay-at-home dad - or Mr. Dad if you prefer - and I have never been happier.
Ben Yu Schott lives in Whitehorse.