The question: I'm in my 30s and chose to be celibate until finding my current girlfriend. She's my age, and has had several relationships, which I see as natural. But sometimes when we are intimate, I think of her with other guys, and it makes me insecure about my inexperience. I tell her it's my issue to work on, but she has also expressed disappointment in herself at being perhaps too casual about previous sexual partners. We can't change the past, but it's not easy to forget our past choices, and enjoy each other fully in the here and now. Suggestions?
The answer:
Dear Here and Now,
First, forgive yourself. In the early, tender days of a relationship, it is habitual to run a reel of your partner's past lovers across your mind. Our subconscious can be reliably credited with thoroughness not kindness. Know that this retrospective is not a product of your inexperience; it is simply human.
Learning any new set of skills as an adult - be it surfing or the tango - can make one feel terrifically vulnerable (especially when naked). As we age, we are less willing to appear unpracticed. Please keep in mind, as you school yourself in your girlfriend's pleasure and your own, the most important element is already in place: communication. Given the tone of your letter, you clearly have a close and open dialogue with your girlfriend. This is invaluable in the bedroom.
Suggestions: The best education is a combination of practice and research. Regarding the hands-on portion, when you are with your girlfriend, be your sexual-apprentice self with pride, not with hesitation and shame. Men with more experience may have had their keenness dulled and as such will not be nearly as attuned as you. Ask your girlfriend what she likes, how she likes it, where she likes it. I do not mean pillow talk as much as I mean mechanics. Recognize the idiosyncrasies of her body and how sensation functions within it. Moreover, try to express the same thing in yourself. Being a good lover is about paying attention.
In the meantime, hit the books. Start with Paul Joannides's comprehensive and immensely readable Guide to Getting It On. Others to add to your library: I Love Female Orgasm, Sex with the Lights On, The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex, and when you are ready, Chia and Abrams's The Multi-Orgasmic Couple.
Lastly, do not forget that sex is playtime for adults. Your instruction: play. Be suggestible. Be inventive. Read erotica. Buy your girlfriend lingerie. Make an aphrodisiacal meal. The killjoy is not the past, but the pressure we place on ourselves. Let it lift off. And please do not forget to laugh along the way; it, Here and Now, is permanent foreplay.
Claudia Dey is the author of How to Be a Bush Pilot: A Field Guide to Getting Luckier.
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