The question
I'm in Toronto and have a friend who is having a bachelorette party in Ottawa. Recently I found out that apart from me, the attendees will be in the bridal party. I'm not sure I want to make the trek and be the fifth wheel. She's a good friend but can be a bit clique-y. She says things like, "So-and-so is much better than so-and-so." Or we might be spending time together and she'll say she wishes so-and-so was there, it would be more fun. I usually just laugh it off.
The people she mentions are the ones in her bridal party. Do I bite the bullet and go but risk the chance of being treated like a second-rate citizen? I don't know why I feel left out, since I have no desire to be in the bridal party in the first place. But it's a weekend away, it's not like I can leave the party early. On the other hand, if I don't go, I'm afraid it could hurt her feelings.
The answer
That feeling you have of wanting to be included in your friend's bridal party, without really knowing why, we could call: The Groucho Effect.
Groucho Marx once sent a telegram to his club that said: "Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member." (An anecdote made famous by Woody Allen in Annie Hall who called it "the key joke of my adult life in terms of my relationships with women.")
In other words, perversely, we experience a rush of lunch-bag letdown when we're included in groups. The corollary is: We want to be part of groups that exclude us. Who knows why? It's human nature.
Vis-à-vis your friend's bachelorette party, though, I'd go.
Well, not me personally: I've become a complete curmudgeon. These days I like to stay home, my beard metaphorically full of crumbs, shaking my fist at the neighbourhood kids with my bandy, fish-white legs poking out of the tattered hem of my non-metaphorically ratty bathrobe.
Okay maybe that's a bit much. I'm actually quite social. Just choosier, lately. Going out can take quite a bit of energy, and one only has so much, I find.
But pay no attention to the grumpy man in the ratty bathrobe. Take a page, rather, from the book of my gregarious wife, Pam.
Her thing is: "Hey, if someone has taken the trouble to invite me, I should make a reasonable effort to show up."
So she goes to stuff – and almost always has a great time, because wherever she goes she's still her, get it? The evening becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, i.e. fun.
So that's my advice to you: Go to the bachelorette party, be the best possible version of yourself, and let everyone else worry about how they conduct themselves.
Sure, you might get zinged. The more I pay attention to these things, the more I realize it's almost impossible for me to go to a social occasion without a) uttering some moronic faux pas, b) someone zinging me with a flat-out insult or slyly sugar-coated "insultiment."
Either way, for weeks afterward, I'm waking up in the middle of the night, groaning with shame: "Oh, God, what was I thinking when I asked the hostess' grey-haired sister if she was her mother?" (Actual, real-life example of a spine-tingling faux pas I once committed.) Then later the same night, eyes popping open again: "Hey, what did that guy mean by that crack about my gym membership expiring?"
So that could happen. Your friend might greet you by saying: "Oh, God, you actually showed up! I wasn't serious about you coming, you know." And all the bridesmaids might laugh and laugh, spilling crantinis all over your shoes.
I doubt it, though. Quite the contrary, I would imagine. Look at it this way: it's an honour she invited you, the only non-bridesmaid. My bet is you'll have a great time. It's a great truth that often the occasions you think are going to suck are the ones where you have the best time, and vice versa.
But above all, in my view, you should go because the bride-to-be has summoned you. Might sound weird and old-fashioned, but to me no matter what their flaws as ordinary citizens, brides and brides-to-be are holy creatures, and we should all do whatever we can to accommodate them.
It's not about you: It's about her. Therefore: Go forth, be the best version of yourself, and have as much fun as possible.