The question
My parents are in their 60s, retired and doing well. My only sibling is currently incarcerated, and recently, within the last six months, a woman from their church has "adopted" them as parents. I am suspicious, and have said so. They've lent her money. They feel sorry for her because her mom isn't there for her. She spent Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with my parents. I feel they should not encourage the detachment from her family and create some distance as this person has been unstable in terms of employment and finances. Also, I feel this person should be encouraged to reconcile with her own family instead of taking mine. She is over at their house four or five days a week. I'm afraid my parents are or will be taken advantage of. Any thoughts?
The answer
Yes. I have thoughts. Many, many thoughts.
Of course, there could be a perfectly innocent explanation for this cozy little relationship. Maybe it's a mutually beneficial relationship where your mother whips out steaming trays of fresh-baked cookies but admonishes her new-found friend against having too many and later they all gather around the piano for a rousing singalong.
But, like you, I'm skeptical. Maybe I've seen too many movies. The one playing in my head right now goes like this:
Your mother brings in a tray of fresh-baked cookies, then heads back into the kitchen to get a nice glass of milk to wash them down. Cut to: a close-up of her church "friend," eyes darting back and forth villainously, whipping out her phone and texting her boyfriend: "The fish has taken the bait."
To get serious for a moment, it's called "elder financial abuse," and it happens all the time.
It makes perfect sense: In this country, many seniors have accrued sizable savings. They may have assets worth more than they realize; e.g., a house that has significantly appreciated in value. They may be lonely. They may have lost touch with their families. It may be that, mentally and physically, they are not as sharp or as strong as they once were.
What more perfect target for a sharp-eyed, unscrupulous hustler?
And the story so often begins in the way you've described. A financially sketchy/unstable person befriends the better-off-than-they-realize senior from out of nowhere. The relationship quickly ramps up to intimacy to the point where the "friend" is suddenly an inextricable part of the seniors' lives.
And I'm afraid it does not necessarily go well from there. There can be bullying involved, both verbal and physical, before the senior is stripped of his/her assets/savings and left high and dry.
The saddest part of all is it's believed most of these cases are never reported, because the victims are embarrassed and/or feel it was somehow their own fault.
So yes, I would keep a gimlet eye on the situation and become a strong advocate for your parents. You don't mention where you were on Thanksgiving and Christmas, but if it is logistically possible, you could start by showing up for those occasions, so there is not a void in their lives this woman needs to fill.
I would speak to them. True they may bristle but, ultimately, I would hope they realize you're their flesh and blood and are looking out for their interests.
I had to speak quite sternly to my own mother on this score. She made a bit of money selling her house, but put herself on a fixed income. If she wanted more than usual she had to e-mail her financial guy. Thanks to her aversion to e-mail, this task fell to me.
One day, she asked for a suspiciously large sum. I asked her what it was for, and she told me some friend of my brother's had given her a song and dance about how they needed to make a down payment on a house or they wouldn't be able to adopt and blah blah blah.
I said: "Mom. No." It wasn't elder abuse, exactly, but the request was coming from someone who didn't have anywhere near the kind of relationship with my mother to be asking for a large sum of money.
Protect your parents, especially if like my mother they are kindly souls. Talk to them. If they'll let you, maybe take over their money yourself, so they can't give it away. If they balk, advise them to hire a lawyer to advise them – someone who specializes in these matters.
Sorry to be so serious this time out, but I'm glad you came to me before, rather than after, something bad happens to your parents. Now's the time to act.
Are you in a sticky situation? Send your dilemmas to damage@globeandmail.com. Please keep your submissions to 150 words and include a daytime contact number so we can follow up with any queries.