Group Therapy is a relationship advice column to which readers contribute their wisdom.
A reader writes: My best friend began to date my husband's brother. Now we're sisters-in-law, and I've pretty much had it with her constant dramas. Although I've tried to withdraw, she continues to demand my attention and advice. I still have to invite them to dinner and help them out when needed because they're family. But how do I keep a lid on her obsession with airing every grievance, especially when it gets our husbands riled up?
Explain family boundaries
This shouldn't be your problem. It belongs to your brother-in-law. Let your sister-in-law know how lucky you feel to have her as your best friend as well as your sister-in-law. Explain that there are boundaries within families that should be maintained and that you are uncomfortable with being a sounding board on family issues. That role is best reserved for spouses.
– Linda King, Ladysmith, B.C.
Be a little rude
Well, you are stuck with her, but not necessarily with her grievances. Try reflecting her complaints back on herself, e.g.: What are you going to do about it? You could also try nodding off, acting bored, changing seats, or changing the subject. Don't worry about being abrupt. You want to be a little rude. Just don't get involved in the substance of her complaints. Do not discuss, do not advise, do not argue, do not put anyone down. Be deaf to her complaints. People do like to hear themselves think, but they change direction when encountering walls.
– Tom Trottier, Ottawa
Say what needs saying
One of the most valuable pieces of advice I once received was that "you teach people how to treat you" and, quite often, we teach them how to treat us by not saying what needs to be said and putting up with their annoying behaviour. In this instance I would find a kind and loving way to tell your friend/sister-in-law how you feel about her constant dramatics. I can't say that it won't damage your relationship, but you will be doing her an enormous favour if the result is a positive change in her behaviour.
– Jan Robinson, Burnaby, B.C.
The final word
As a young adult, I was prone to hyperbole and drama. If I had a crush on a guy, I would dissect it with my best friend for hours. But the same discussion with others would result in glazed eyes and mutterings of "She's so lame." So began the painful lesson of becoming self-aware. People don't care about our problems as much as we do. BFFs can walk away but unfortunately sisters-in-law can't unfriend family.
I learned a lot from my mother-in-law, who lives next door, about diplomacy. If family members have problems with each other, she doesn't want to hear about it. She is officially Switzerland. This forces us to talk to one another and not her. So Linda's right. Your ears shouldn't be burdened by your sister-in-law's whining, but her husband's definitely should be.
Although I think Tom's strategies are useful, it seems your sister-in-law doesn't get the message easily. I, too, am a little thick-headed and have a tough time with social cues. I benefit greatly from hearing the unvarnished truth – "please stop talking about your sex life here; this is a child's birthday party, not a poker game."
And Jan has nailed it. You're going to have to be kind but blunt. Here's what you have to say: "I love you but you are driving me crazy by airing your dirty laundry." And if she continues, you suddenly have laundry of your own to do – at the laundromat.
As for my own sister-in-law, talk about bossy. She tells me exactly what I have to cook at family dinner parties. Otherwise, she says, I'll just sit around like a lemur, while she does all the work. She's such a horror, right? But I can't talk to anyone about her in my family. Pardon me, while I go and phone my best friend.
Regina-based Zarqa Nawaz is the creator of the CBC-TV sitcom Little Mosque on the Prairie .
Next week's question
The manager of my son's sports team is a woman, and she seems to pay way too much attention to my husband, the coach. He says I'm overreacting, but I'm not usually jealous, and other moms I trust agree with me. The manager's own husband seems indifferent. I've become uncomfortable going to games. Advice?
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