Group Therapy is a relationship advice column that asks readers to contribute their wisdom. Each week, we offer a problem for you to weigh in on, then publish the most lively responses, with a final word on the matter delivered by our columnist, Lynn Coady.
A reader writes: I'm divorced, late 40s, deeply in love with a divorced, early 50s man who brings much happiness and laughter to my life. But he was cheated on in the past, and whenever we have an argument it ends up with him following me around ranting and yelling in my face. One evening, after he had too many drinks, he cursed loudly at me when I accidentally stepped on his toe. I did what I always do when the mood changes between us - I become distant and then he starts demanding that I show some love. The night is shot, yet the next day he wants me to be my usual loving self. But I need time to shake off the hurt. That's when he starts yelling. He wants affection but I just want to run, which makes him angrier. How can I defuse his bullying?
You can't change him
You can't. He is using psychological violence against you, which may very well escalate. Heed the warning words of Maya Angelou: "When people show you who they are, believe them the first time."
- Margaret Nieboer, Invermere, B.C.
Both need counselling
If you expect a person with anger management issues to come to you and say "I notice that you are withdrawn and hurt, what can I do to make things right," you're not only passive-aggressive, you're delusional. You need to stand up and refuse flatly to endure this kind of treatment. If you are both committed to your relationship, seek counselling for your passive-aggressiveness and his anger/bullying. If you are afraid to talk to him, this speaks volumes; perhaps you should seek counselling on your own so that your next relationship can be a healthy one.
- Darby Brown, Kitchener, Ont.
Get out now
I have only three words of advice for you: Don't walk, run!
- Ruth Schnauss, North Saanich, B.C.
The Final Word
I'm feeling feisty today. I feel like mixing it up, by God, maybe making a few online enemies because how's a columnist supposed to know she's alive if someone, somewhere isn't railing against her on their blog? Therefore I propose, counter to the lockstep opinion of my colleagues above, that you stay with the hollering drunk man.
For one thing, when people write in with questions, I like to answer those questions. I endeavour never to respond to a question that hasn't been posed, e.g. should I end my relationship with this ranting lunatic? You've given no indication this option is on the table. You say you're "deeply in love" and that he makes you very happy. I'm taking you at your word.
So, to the issue of yelling: Personally, I hate it. Whenever someone yells in my direction, my knee-jerk response is to dismiss the yeller as an abusive bully and leave him (or her) to enjoy the sound of his own voice resonating in empty house. That said, I know many fine people who yell. They feel great afterward. Oft-times, they have relationships with other yellers with whom they enjoy regular lung-bursting, red-faced catharsis.
The problem, however, arises when people like that come up against people like me. They say: Would you please put a blankin' coaster under your blankity cup of coffee before I lose my blankity-blank? And I say: Goodbye, I'm leaving forever. And the yeller is shocked and hurt, not understanding that the yelling has provoked precisely the same emotions on my end. We each feel the other has behaved with outlandish cruelty.
But you can't explain this when he's mid-rant, so talk to him about it when he's calm and sober. Let him know his bellowing makes you feel abused and explain you have no desire to snuggle up to someone who has punched you in the face with words. If he wants to kiss and make up, he needs to air his views respectfully.
But here's my one capitulation to our friends above: If your partner throws his tantrums mainly after having downed few, this isn't going to work. This is alcoholic behaviour and there's nothing you can do on your end to "defuse" it. It won't stop unless he seeks help. If he doesn't, don't walk: run.
Lynn Coady is the award-winning author of the novels Strange Heaven and Mean Boy, with another one currently in the oven.
Next week's question
A reader writes: I left my wife two years ago for my girlfriend. It was a harsh thing to do but I didn't love my wife and I couldn't go on cheating her. Now the woman I love more than anything says she can no longer handle my family's hostility. She says she loves me but is tired of being the home wrecker and needs my family's acceptance, especially since her own lives far away. I feel we did the honourable thing in leaving our spouses, but now the fallout is threatening to wreck us. What should we do?
Do you have an answer to this question or your own dilemma? Weigh in at grouptherapy@globeandmail.com and include your full name and hometown. (We will not print your name if we publish your personal dilemma.)