Somehow, counterintuitively, Vancouver has become a hotbed of reality TV production.
These factual entertainment programs, as they are sometimes called in the industry, are cheaper to produce than "scripted" fiction or a drama or comedy series, and judging by what appears on cable channels such as TLC, Slice, Discovery and A&E, they have the self-confidence to be incredibly stupid and not care because people will apparently watch anything. Think (entirely real) shows such as Hillbilly Handfishin' or Dance Your A** Off (1 and 2).
While many of these series are produced in Vancouver and a few are even set in the Lower Mainland, most of them have missed the mark when it comes to reflecting the Vancouver we know and love. Our reality, such as it is:
Yaletown Kindergarten Admission Line Up
Hopeful A-type parents compete for the woefully inadequate number of kindergarten spaces in the only public school in one of Canada's hippest and most affluent neighbourhoods. Follow them as they pitch tents and camp for more than a week, sustaining themselves on little more than prepared dinners from Urban Fare and Chenin Blanc, all to secure a coveted classroom space for their child. Sure, you'll do anything for your kid, but you won't believe how far some of these people are prepared to go! Contains adult content, coarse language and some nudity.
Canada's Laziest Realtor
Dave got his real estate licence 12 years ago after completing an on-line course. Since then, he has sold one Vancouver property a month and earned millions of dollars in commissions by putting a sign with an arrow on it on top of his Lexus every Saturday afternoon, then hanging out in an empty house, sexting for hours. How many bathrooms? It's in the handout. Is this zoned for a duplex? Huh? Don't make Dave get up from the white leather couch that has to go back to the stagers by Wednesday.
But what happens when the market goes soft and the multiple offers dry up? It could happen. Okay, it probably won't. Whatever.
Planetarium Stoners
Every Saturday night, since 1978, Travis and his three culturally diverse buddies have been shot-gunning beers and doing bong hits in the parking lot at Vanier Park before taking in the Laser Floyd show at the Planetarium. They've never missed a week. But now, in their mid-50s, their commitment to the lifestyle has taken a toll on careers and relationships – internally and externally. Is it time for Travis to break away? Is Dark Side enough to hold them together? You'll wish you were here. Think FUBAR meets Hot Tub Time Machine – with lasers!
Food Cart Health Inspectors
Nothing strikes fear into the heart of a Vancouver food cart operator like a thermometer-wielding health inspector. Inadequate refrigeration? Busted! Water temperature too low? Busted! Vermin lodged in the grease traps? Totally busted! Nothing gets past these unsung heroes of public safety. They're out there day and night, collecting rat-droppings and stuff so we don't have to. The food carts have just 24 hours to set things right or risk having their names published on a website no one knows exists. You can almost hear the clock ticking! Disturbing scenes.
Animal Control!
Follow a group of well-meaning animal control officers through Vancouver's many parks and beaches as they issue strong oral warnings to the owners of out-of-control off-leash dogs in on-leash areas. Watch as they attempt to hand out bylaw infraction tickets to people who refuse to identify themselves and simply walk away. You'll be feeling as powerless as they are by the end of the first episode. Violence, scenes of defecation.
Hopeless Failing Restaurant
From the people who brought you Extreme Zen Gardening. Hopes were high seven years ago when Svetlana and Anders opened an Italian eatery on Commercial Drive. After a modest opening-night splash attended by only people they knew, business has not been good. In fact, the only customers who've walked through the door in weeks are tourists clutching out-of-date Zagat guides. The staff have been let go; the walk-in fridge is a cave of mould. If you could see them through the filthy windows, you'd find them sitting at a table at the back of the dining room near the bar, worrying. They pray that all will be well when they are noticed and rescued by one of the those restaurant makeover reality TV shows. But no one comes. Ever.
Farmers' Market Protection Racket
Really, the title sells itself.
Stephen Quinn is the host of On the Coast on CBC Radio One, 88.FM and 690 AM in Vancouver.