With the rumble of the no-longer-legal fireworks still haunting us this weekend – if history is any indication – I would like to engage in a short Halloween postmortem.
I'll declare my interest: I am considered by many to be a Halloween enthusiast. I decorate the house to excess a few days in advance with lights, homemade styrofoam gravestones and other props. On Halloween night, I have a designated playlist pumping through speakers in our tiny front yard. And not to brag, but I carve a pretty decent pumpkin and we have ample candy. The good kind.
That effort means that we have become a destination house with people stopping to take photographs with their children posing in front of the displays.
Halloween is the closest we get to Christmas in our house, and like Christmas it's all about the kids. But after yet another year of uncostumed, unappreciative and occasionally smoking teens tilting their heads and responding to my "what are you dressed as" query with "teenager" as they shove their BC Liquor Store bag at me, well, something has to change.
I've always subscribed to the "no costume, no candy" school of trick-or-treating, but I'm not good at it. This year I denied only a few – the ones whose faces told me they thought they were about to get away with something. But I mostly gave in because I couldn't help but wonder what kind of lives they must have at home and do they ever get candy and do their parents even care about where they are and do they have any hope of making it through high school so they can play a significant role in our province's bold new LNG future.
Next year, I'm putting my foot down. Teens: Make an effort. Headgear alone is not a costume. Having a lame set of cat ears perched atop your cinched-up black hoodie does not give you the right to call yourself a cat. You're not fooling anyone.
If you need a shave, or you're smoking or drinking beer while trick-or-treating, you get nothing.
Parents of smaller children, your child has to do two things on Halloween: say "trick or treat" and "thank you." This should not be that difficult.
If I don't hear the words "trick or treat" – if they can only stand there looking cute as all get out in their homemade iPad or DJ or Pabst Blue Ribbon costume that you lovingly made them because your own parents never did anything for you and you're determined to break the cycle of neglect while also demonstrating that you understand irony – they get nothing. They need to say it out loud.
If they say it but then fail to say "thank you," I swear I will follow them down the walk and take the candy back.
Adults, trick or treating is for children. Stand back and let the kids do their thing. After the crowd of kids disperses, do not remain behind holding out your own bag. Yes, this really happened.
But the scariest part of a Lower Mainland Halloween, beyond the appallingly poor trick-or-treat etiquette, is the fireworks.
Like a lot of city bylaws, the City of Vancouver's bylaw that allows fireworks to be set off only with a permit, only on private property and only on Oct. 31, doesn't work because it's not enforced. The week before Halloween, once fireworks go on sale, the neighbourhood sounds like a war zone. I imagine you'll hear them popping or rumbling in the distance over the next few nights.
On Halloween night, just before midnight when the explosions were so concussive I could feel them in my chest, I crossed the street to speak with a group of people setting them off.
They admitted they had no permit, didn't know that they needed one, and blamed the vendor for allowing them to purchase the fireworks. They also said they had no idea that setting them off in a public park wasn't allowed.
Restricting the use of fireworks hasn't worked. If the city isn't prepared to enforce its bylaws, just ban the things.
I know. I'm harshing your buzz. That's what those kids in the park said too, just not in those words.
But let's work on those two things – the fireworks and the thank yous. I'll meet you back here next year to see how we did.
Stephen Quinn is the host of On the Coast on CBC Radio One, 690 AM and 88.1 FM in Vancouver.
Follow me on Twitter: @cbcstephenquinn