Dear Vancouver,
Wow. These XXI Olympic Winter Games have been a wild and thrilling ride. A major American network has been acknowledging a Canadian city for more than two weeks. Unprecedented. You are riding a tsunami of popularity, and deservedly so. Enjoy this time in the limelight, Vancouver. Your hair is perfect. Your breath could not smell mintier. You go, girl.
But while you're at it, spare a thought for your old friend Toronto - still, by far and unquestionably, the absolute most important city in Canada. It's been a strange experience over here to tune into CTV and see a panoramic shot of a peculiarly ice-free RCYC only to realize it's the Royal Vancouver Yacht Club. Imagine what it feels like to spend the last few years bragging about Porter Airlines only to see one your ultra-cool seaplanes skim down onto the water next to a pod of orcas.
It is therefore with admiration and respect that we, Toronto, say to you, Vancouver, the following:
Congratulations! You are now Canada's second city - first mate, Chicago to Toronto's New York, sous-chef in the great kitchen that is Canada. It's official. You occupy the rank formerly held by Montreal. (Though let's face it, Montreal hasn't been much more than a glorified college town since the mid-eighties. Merci , René!)
It hasn't been easy, we know. Being powerful never is. Your fence around the Olympic cauldron was so ugly and ill-conceived it became front-page news all over the world. You didn't come close to meeting the français quota during the opening ceremonies. The British criticized your weather (which couldn't be more ironic). And you could practically smell the vodka on Pravda's breath when they wrote that scathing editorial entitled "Vancouver: Mutton Dressed As Lamb." (Ridiculous, to be sure, because if Vancouver is a dish, it's vegan.)
And that's just the Olympics. When the party ends and they turn on the ugly lights, the dance floor will be empty and strewn with rubbish and the air will stink of stale beer. As the world turns its gaze to Sochi, you'll be faced with a crippling billion-dollar debt, one that even your formidable marijuana grow-op industry will be hard pressed to service.
What did we do to deserve all this, you are no doubt wondering. Why does everyone suddenly care about our fences? Here is the answer: You became World Class.
I know what you're thinking: Being World Class is harder than it looks. Amen, sister. You're probably wondering how Toronto made it look effortless all these years. It takes extraordinary intelligence. It takes CEO-style leadership. It takes tremendous tack-sharp judgment and, dare we say it, Olympic determination.
So, as your older, wiser and wealthier brother city, let us offer you a few tips on being World Class:
1) Compare yourself to New York. In all spheres - business, culinary, fashion, medical, automotive, etc. - determine whether Vancouver is meeting the bar set by New York. For example, now would be a good time to ask yourself how the water-resistant, breathable outdoor leisurewear you are so fond of would be received on the streets of New York? With giggles of derision - that's how. The Gore-Tex and fleece must go, Vancouver.
2) Enough with the whole laid-back thing. The truth is, you always seemed uptight about being laid back. And when the eyes of the world are on you, chillaxing isn't an option. From now on, sweat the small stuff. Micromanage. Brag about how hard you work. And above all, judge those who choose to live differently than you.
3) Resign yourself to the hate. For months now, Quebec has been experiencing white-knuckled resentment over the billions in Olympic funding you got from Ottawa. Get used to it. As you read this, resentment is metastasizing across the nation. Vancouver-bashing will soon become a fixation from Victoria to St. John's, and you will be the object of know-it-all mockery and contemptuous one-liners by jealous, bitter losers who could not hope to afford the payments on a one-bedroom Vancouver condo (to say nothing of the condo fees). After hearing the umpteenth Vancouver joke, you will wearily ask yourself: What's their problem?
Their problem is that they cannot imagine the burden - thrilling though it may be - of being the white-hot centre of greatness. Their problem is that they are not World Class.
You are.
It used to be lonely here at the top, Vancouver. Not any more. Toronto could not have chosen a better assistant vice sub-lieutenant. Welcome.
Special to The Globe and Mail