Fred Lum/The Globe and Mail
His constituents!
Constituent: My garbage bin is completely full, Rob. I can't fit my last bag in.
RF: I'm coming over there, buddy. I'm going to fix this for you.
Constituent: There's no time. The garbage truck is almost here. I can see it coming.
RM: What about those godd-mn stickers the city sends out that you put on a green bag so the lazy-ass garbage man will take 'em?
Constituent: The city never sent me any. [Now crying]I tried to jam the lid down, but it just won't fit.
RF: This makes me so f--king mad. We're gonna fix this sh-t.
Constituent: I'm late for work, Rob. My boss says I'm down to my final warning. This garbage is going to get me fired.
RF: What about your neighbour's bin?
Constituent: It's only half full, Rob.
RF: Put it in his bin.
Constituent: Isn't that illegal?
RF: Is it? I've never done it myself, buddy. I ordered fifteen extra-large bins so I don't have to deal with this kinda sh-t. For now, just stick it in your neighbour's bin.
Constituent: You're telling me to put my garbage in my neighbor's garbage bin.
RF: It's the only solution. Are you coming to my wine and cheese in Scarborough next week?
Constituent: Without asking permission?
RF: Just walk to the curb and do it. No one will even notice.
Constituent: Can you say that a bit louder?
RF: Just walk to the curb and - are you recording me?
Players on his football team!
RF: Billy, I hope you're coming to my wine and cheese fundraiser in Scarborough next week? The whole team'll be there.
Student: I was wondering if we could go over tackling again, coach?
RF: Well sure, Billy. But I hardly need to tell you. You're the best f--ken tackler on the whole godd-mn defensive line.
Student: Thanks, coach! But I want to be sure I'm doing it perfect.
RF: Remember the magic word: Steamroll. When the QB yells hut, it's steamroll time.
Student: Can you be more specific?
RF: You steamroll through the linesman. You toss him aside like he's nothing. He's garbage.
Student: He's garbage, coach. Got it!
RF: And then you steamroll.
Student: Okay.
RF: He's standing there all pretty, waving to his girlfriend in the stands, maybe double pumping the football, looking for an open player. And boom! Steamroll!
Student: So I just sort of bump into him?
RF: F-ck no, Billy. Annihilate him. Crush his face. Trash-compact him. Leave his eyeballs on the 20-yard line. You're the big bang, Billy, and those stars he's seeing are the celestial f--ken bodies.
Student: So let me get this straight, Coach Ford, you are asking me to quote-unquote annihilate a fellow student who has in no way harmed me. You would like me to give him cranio-facial injuries, to blind him and give him a concussion. Is that correct?
RF: You want to hurt him, Billy.
Student: Can you say that slowly and more clearly directly into the phone?
RF [His voice straining with emotion] Not you too, Billy.
His mom!
Mrs. Ford: What kind of person leaves their sprinkler on for an entire afternoon?
RF: How should I know? A guy who wants to water his f--ken lawn, buddy.
Mrs. Ford: I told you not to call me that name.
RF: Sorry, Mom. Are you coming to my wine and cheese in Scarborough next week?
Mrs. Ford: My roses are as good as dead.
RF: They're not dead, Mom. They're -
Mrs. Ford [interrupting] I can see one out my window now, and it looks dead.
RF: So just walk over there and shut off the sprinkler, Mom.
Mrs. Ford: The faucet is too tight.
RF: So get someone to do it for you.
Mrs. Ford: Like who?
RF: I don't know. How about some neighbourhood kid?
Mrs. Ford: They're all in gangs.
RF: So what? Even a gangbanger can turn off a sprinkler.
Mrs. Ford: Do I need to flash a gang sign?
RF: How would I know?
Mrs. Ford: If I don't flash a gang sign, they'll shoot me.
RF: No one's going to pop you, Mom.
Mrs. Ford: It gives them prestige, you know, murdering strangers and such.
RF: I think you make your hand look like a W. And you just sort of flash it. Don't hold it up next to your head like Spock or anything. And be sure to call the kid "bro."
Mrs. Ford: Bro?
RF: "Say, 'Bro, I need to you to f--k with my neighbour's sprinkler, homey.'"
Mrs. Ford: How do you know this, Robert?
RF: I saw it on Law and Order.
Mrs. Ford: So you're telling me to hire a gang to vandalize a neighbour's property, yes?
RF: Not the whole gang, Mom. Just one kid.
Mrs. Ford: Can you say that again, Robert, only louder?
Special to The Globe and Mail