An airline passenger is patted down at O'Hare Airport. Critics of invasive airport screening measures urged air travellers to opt for time-consuming pat-downs, which threatened to slow operations at U.S. airports on one of the year's busiest travel days.Scott Olson/Getty Images
Nov. 27, 12:32 p.m.: OK, Rachel! … Only 44 minutes and I've reached Security … Decision time at JFK … 2 roads diverged in a wood, blah, blah, blah … To scan or not to scan … Give me liberty or give me pat-down. Which 1, Rach? O, btw … Met cute guy in lineup. Asked for cell number.
Nov. 27, 12:35 p.m.: Duh! Course I gave it to him! …Which road, Rach?!
Nov. 27, 12:36: u r right. When in doubt, avoid death rays. Not that there's anything to be afraid of, ha, ha, ha … Hmm … Seem to be different … um, stages to pat-down … Five doors. Colour-coded. Wish me luck! Cute guy - Brad - headed for scanners.
Nov. 27, 12:47 p.m.: Just cleared ENT Assessment Module … So neat these labels, eh?
Nov. 27, 12:49 p.m.: Ear, nose, throat. Talk about thorough. I am so proud to be American. Every orifice probed. And probed … Know what u r thinking, Rach … How likely is Lutheran farmer's daughter ex Minnesota to stuff mini-bomb up nostril?'
But we can't be too careful these days, can we? … Good thing u warned me, come early. Cast of thousands here. U'd think Via Spigas were half-price at Bloomies.
Nov. 27, 1:12 p.m.: Ordinarily I detest dentists - no offence to your dad, Rach - but IMHO, DSP - dental screening procedure - is necessary measure. Who knows what incendiary devices could be secreted in an incisor? … So he loosened 4 cavities - so what? Your dad will fix, right?
Nov. 27, 1:15 p.m.: OK, I'm slow on news uptake, but did they declare Code Red alert or something? … Brush-cuts in fatigues, every 20 paces. Machine guns. Feel like an extra in Hurt Locker.
Nov. 27, 1:22 p.m.: Ever had endoscopy?
Nov. 27, 1:24 p.m.: OK, think of giant garden hose stuffed down esophagus. Talk about a gag order. LOL!
Nov. 27, 1:27 p.m.: Look, play that civil liberties violin all u want … but fact is, technology now so sophisticated, crazed terrorist could swallow bomb size of Aspirin, board plane and 3 hours later - kaboom! - Can't risk that, surely.
Nov. 27, 1:28 p.m.: Course, I vomited! Like Vesuvius. But needed to lose those pounds … Nurse thoughtfully had bowl ready for upchuck. Oh - guess what? They found peptic ulcer … Small, totally benign, thank God … Scored free Rolaids … Door 4: CC.
Nov. 27, 1:43 p.m.: Just out of CC: Colonoscopy Central.
Nov. 27, 1:45 p.m.: Yuppers. Full throttle, so to speak. Wow. Still a little groggy, frankly.
Nov. 27, 1:47 p.m.: No, Rach … Sans anesthetic … No time. I mean, I do have flight to catch.
Nov. 27, 1:49 p.m.: OK, yes, a little invasive. And yes, painful … Excruciating, actually … But Rach: wouldn't u feel better knowing no one on board has tube of Semtex tucked away somewhere? I would. Gotta go. Last door ahead.
Nov. 27, 2:17 p.m.: Amazing. A complete physical - at airport! … Feel like I've been to Mayo frigging Clinic.
Nov. 27, 2:22 p.m.: 3 of them, not counting dude with M-16.
Nov. 27, 2:24 p.m.: Disagree, Rach … It's protecting Americans. We're at war, aren't we?
Nov. 27, 2:26 p.m.: I don't know who we're at war with! … Must be someone … We're always at war with someone. The clash of civilians, isn't it?
Nov. 27, 2:29 p.m.: Look, they're leaving nothing to chance … U've heard of IEDs, right? Roadside bombs. Now, they're searching for IUEDs - intra-uterine explosive devices … Anyway, it's over. Finito. Gotta run … Oh, guess who's also Roma-bound? Brad! Ciao, babe … :)
Michael Posner is a writer for The Globe and Mail.