Alexander Wooley is a Canadian working in international development, based in Virginia. He has previously written for The Atlantic, Foreign Affairs and The Washington Post.
Bank of XXX has detected a log-in attempt from an unknown device. A text message has been sent to phone XXX-XXX-XX66. If the device is with you, retrieve the code and enter it in the box below. The code will expire in one minute.
Bank of XXX thanks you for entering the security code texted to you. As an additional authentication measure, we have sent a fax to XXX-XXX-XX77. Please retrieve the fax and enter the one-time code printed on the cover sheet in the box below. You have three minutes. Four if you do not have a fax machine.
Bank of XXX would like access to your location, photos and contacts. Please click on “Deny” or “Allow.”
Okay, “Deny.” That’s cool. I guess you won’t be accessing your money any time soon. Shall we try again? Bank of XXX would like access to your location, photos and contacts. Please click on “Deny” or “Allow.”
Great choice, freely made. Now, find the following common household items and group them together: A ginger peeler (or lemon zester). A succulent. A VCR. Your 23andme report. Your birth certificate, baby photos, passport and driver’s licence. Take a photo and upload it to your public Instagram account. You have one minute.
There’s a bright red box outside your front door. Note the last four digits on the packing slip and enter them below. You have seven seconds.
Too slow. Let’s try something else: Bank of XXX Employee-of-the-Month Tom is upstairs in your house, running a bath for himself. Please go upstairs, look searchingly into Tom’s eyes and then enter the color of his irises in the box below.
Nearly there. This sixth authentication protocol should do it – now, what is your mother’s maiden name? Enter it below.
Ha! That’s not it. (As it happens, we’re temporarily holding your mother here in the Fraud, Privacy and Identity Protection Centre.) So let’s try something else.
What was the name of your first pet? Enter it below. A warning: Your mother is now co-operating with us, and can see your answers as you type them.
Correct. What were you told was the cause of Lucky’s death? Enter that in the second box.
What was your first car? Find it in the drop-down menu below. Not the same make or model, but the actual car. And no cheating. Hint, it is in Eastern Ukraine. You have six days. Second hint, it has a Lucky-shaped hole in the front bumper. That’s right: Our forensics team does more than just audits. We exhumed Lucky and found catastrophic pelvic and thoracic damage to the skeleton. Ha – when you think about it, how lucky was Lucky?
Now that you’ve found your car, disassemble the engine. You will find a four-digit security code machined into the crankshaft. We did that back in 1995, when you were in grade school. Enter that code below.
What is the name of the town you were born in? Enter it in the box below. Then, go to that town, visit the registry office and ask for all marriage certificates for a “Barbara Radmilovic.” FYI for setting future password questions: “Radmilovic” is your mother’s actual maiden name. And you have a half-brother in Roanoke named Ken.
Congratulations: You really are you! You may now log in to your Bank of XXX account. Your mother has been released on her own recognizance, pending the next sign-in attempt to your Hulu account. We trust you appreciate these efforts to protect your privacy and identity. Please note that a payment to your Bank of XXX Visa credit card is overdue.