This Christmas, give yourself the gift of solitude

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Robert Coplan is a Chancellor’s Professor in the Department of Psychology at Carleton University in Ottawa. He is the author of the newly released book The Joy of Solitude: How to Reconnect with Yourself in an Overconnected World.

What do the classic early 2000s films Bridget Jones’s Diary, About a Boy and Love Actually have in common? Yes, they are all rom-coms co-starring Hugh Grant as a charming cad with varying degrees of redeeming qualities. However, they also all share the theme of people dealing with the social stigma of being alone at Christmas. Others might deem a person spending the holiday season in solitude as a poster person for loneliness, but I push back against this portrayal. Not only does it not hold up under scrutiny, I contend that solitude can actually offer many potential benefits – even at Christmas.

First, it is important to acknowledge that humans need social connection. Not satisfying this need can make us feel lonely. Simply put, loneliness is the bad feeling we get when there is a mismatch between our desired and actual social lives. There has been a lot of discussion over the last few years about the epidemic of loneliness and its damaging effects. To be clear, we should be paying attention to loneliness. Loneliness sucks, diabolically preying on our well-being, mental health and even physical health. As highlighted in a 2023 advisory from the U.S. Office of the Surgeon General, chronic loneliness and social isolation increase the risk of premature death by more than 25 per cent. By this metric, prolonged experiences of loneliness are worse for you than drinking six alcoholic drinks a day – or about the same as smoking 15 cigarettes a day!

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But loneliness is not solitude. We can feel lonely even in the company of cherished others. Imagine being at a Christmas party where you spend the evening standing in the corner, nursing your eggnog, and watching everyone else engage in what seem like warm and lively conversations. You may leave feeling even more lonely than when you arrived.

It is also true that many people do not like spending time alone. How much so? In an oft-cited 2014 study, U.S. college students were instructed to sit “alone with their thoughts” in a small room with the door closed for 15 minutes. The majority of students found this experience so boring and aversive that they chose instead to fill the time by self-administering painful electric shocks. Clearly, many people dislike solitude – regardless of the time of year.

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It should also be acknowledged that according to the latest census data from 2021, almost 50 per cent of Canadians do not identify as Christian. It may not carry the same personal significance for them to be alone at Christmas. And of course, many people enjoy, value, and regularly seek out time alone. For them, spending time in solitude, perhaps even at Christmas, does not lead to loneliness and FOMO (the fear of missing out). Instead, this “me time” is cherished and evokes JOMO (the joy of missing out).

So, what does solitude have to offer? Artists, poets and philosophers have long passionately touted its many benefits. However, it is only in the last few years that direct research support for these claims has started to emerge. Sociologist Erving Goffman used the theatre stage as a metaphor for understanding how people feel in social situations. When we are “onstage,” we are in the spotlight, and must consider how others see us, what they might think and how they might respond. Concerns about being evaluated by others often lead us to cautiously monitor our facial expression and body posture, as well as to carefully consider the words we speak and the way they are spoken. Solitude is when we step out of the spotlight and offstage, offering a respite from the perceived stresses of social interactions (I liken it to the feeling we get in a car speeding down the highway when the windows are rolled up after being slightly ajar). Related to this, two psychology researchers in Britain, Thuy-vy Nguyen and Netta Weinstein, coined the term “deactivation effect” to describe how solitude helps to calm us down by taking the edge off our more intense emotions.

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Solitude also provides the chance to recharge our social batteries, an opportunity for reflection and self-discovery, and a context that can serve as an incubator for problem-solving and creativity. In a series of recent studies, Canadian psychology researcher Christiane Hoppmann and others have also shown that choosing to spend time alone often leads to more positive subsequent social interactions. Thus, somewhat paradoxically, solitude can actually help us with our social connections.

But if you are among those who just don’t like spending time alone, recent research also offers some concrete advice for how to improve your solitary life. First, solitude is often construed as a punishment, such as a timeout for an unruly toddler or solitary confinement for incarcerated prisoners. Instead, try to reframe time alone as a reward: the gift of me time! It turns out that just being instructed to think positive thoughts while alone or reading a short passage about the benefits of solitude (such as this very essay) can improve people’s experiences of alone time. It is also the case that you don’t need a two-hour walk in the woods to gain such benefits. As little as 15 minutes a day can have a positive and lasting impact. Sitting cross-legged on a yoga mat and meditating is also not the only way for solitude to be helpful. Although meditation offers a myriad of well-established benefits for our well-being and health, recent research suggests that a wide variety of other solitary activities may also suffice. So read a book, listen to music, go for a walk, knit, or choose anything that you personally find engaging, meaningful and enjoyable.

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Of note, people who find solitude boring and aversive also often seek to “social wash” their alone time, scrolling social media, texting or engaging in other forms of virtual social exchanges. Try to resist this urge. It is probably best to put your phone away – or at least turn off notifications. FaceTime conversations or a steady stream of alerts are not exactly conducive to making us feel offstage.

So where have we landed after all of this? I want to reiterate that unchosen solitude can make us feel lonely, sad and angry. In no way do I want to be misconstrued as underplaying how bad it might feel to be alone during the holidays. But there is more to this Christmas story. Goldilocks was happiest sitting on the chair that was not too big, not too small, but just right. In the end, we all must find our own balance between solitude and socializing that is just right for us. This is what will optimally foster our well-being. And this should be okay. So, let’s update the plot to these holiday movies (is Hugh Grant up for filming remakes?) We all need social connection – and we all need solitude. Satisfying both of these needs in our own way may be the best Christmas present we can offer ourselves this year.