Leah Hennel is an Alberta-based photographer who has published two books: Along The Western Front and Alone Together: A Pandemic Photo Essay. This project was the recipient of the 2025 Bob and Diane Fund Award.
Sunday is always special for Joan Connor, because it’s time for the indulgence of a spa day.
Expertly providing the loving attention, from head to toes, is her husband Alan Rae, who’s been Joan’s full-time caregiver since Joan, 75, was diagnosed with dementia more than 15 years ago.
The weekly pampering takes place in the Calgary home they’ve shared for 27 years. It begins with a warm foot bath. Then there’s a pedicure. Next is a soapy sponge bath, followed by Alan shampooing Joan’s hair, which also gets blow-dried and brushed. After they dress Joan for the day – she loves wearing pink – it’s time for breakfast, which is typically yogurt and berries.
Then, just like any couple, they head out – running errands, grabbing groceries, going for coffee or for a bite to eat, even attending car-racing events, which Alan, as a former competitor, enjoys.
Alan does not hesitate to do these things with his wife of 43 years, even though Joan is incontinent, non-verbal, and wholly dependent on her husband. He scoffs at the notion that dementia prevents the person and their caregiver from experiencing life in public.
“I’m saying crap [to that kind of mindset],” says the 81-year-old. “It’s how you organize it and plan it. If the … people you’re involved with are understanding and caring, they simply accept it and carry on with the conversation.”
Alan is committed to remaining with Joan as she goes through cognitive decline. As he sees it, there’s an upside to continuing to reside together instead of finding a room for her in a care facility. “She’s probably lasting much longer,” he says. “The constant one-on-one care she gets.”
Yes, it is challenging – more challenging than anyone could imagine. Joan, as best as she can, is coping with the late stages of a debilitating disease, while Alan shoulders the jarring ups and downs.
“To some extent, it’s not a pleasant journey, but it can be a valued one if you can get persons onside, and Joan’s been onside,” says Alan, retired after a career in the oil and gas sector. “I have the demeanour, ‘Hey, it is what it is. I can’t change what I can’t change, but I get on with life and deal with what I can change.’ So that’s really helped me to survive it to a certain extent. You can get as frustrated as hell about all this stuff, or you can just turn around and do something about it. You’re not going to change them. You, the caregiver, are the one that has to change.”
And if Joan happens to get carried away when they’re away from the house, he deals with it. That’s long been part of their day-to-day existence.
“It’s adapting,” he says. “You can turn around and be embarrassed by the fact that she’s saying snide things to you at the table – but how much different is that than a three-year-old? It’s how you as a caregiver interact with them and make it work.”
If they’re shopping for groceries, for instance, and Joan gets upset, Alan quietly holds up a placard that says she has dementia, letting those nearby know the situation. “It’s all the little things you do to make it work,” he says.
Recently, Alan decided to enlist the daily help of a personal support worker, Lovelee Valenzuela. He has no regrets. “This has given me the opportunity to have my life back,” he says.
“I can come home at the end of the day and be a much better caregiver for Joan because I’ve had that kind of break.”
An advocate for normalizing the disease, he organized the Memory Café sessions – which serve as monthly social outings for people with dementia and their care partners – and personally attends every event. There are now 17 participating cafés in the greater Calgary area.
“These activities give me a place to deal with dementia as a way of helping others, thus relieving the stress that I have about it,” says Alan.
“The biggest thing is to talk and share. Make it comfortable to talk about – recognize that it’s not contagious – to make it as commonplace as talking about cancer and heart disease. Those were stigmatized at one point in time and are no longer. Dementia needs to be the same way.”
