U.S. President Donald Trump speaks to the press as he meets with NATO Secretary General Mark Rutte in the Oval Office of the White House, on March 13.MANDEL NGAN/AFP/Getty Images
Calvin Trillin’s most recent book is The Lede: Dispatches from a Life in the Press.
“Sir, as your political policy adviser, I have to say that the question of Canada –”
“Our beautiful, treasured 51st state to be. I love Canada. And Canada loves me, of course.”
“What I was going to say, sir, is that Canada –”
“I love the look on Trudeau’s face when I called him ‘governor.’ The next time we meet, I’m thinking of calling him ‘commissioner.’ Or maybe ‘alderman.’ What do you think of ‘alderman?’ ”
“Well, I was going to say, sir, that Canada is quite large, being an entire country and all, the second largest –”
“The largest state. I’ll be the president who brought the largest state into the union. People think Eisenhower’s such a big deal because he brought in both Alaska and Hawaii, but Canada’s way bigger than Alaska and Hawaii put together. In fact, Canada is bigger than all the states put together. I will have doubled the size of the United States of America. Only I could have done that. Eisenhower was not such a big deal. That Second World War stuff is highly overrated.”
“And the population of Canada –”
“Crooked Joe Biden didn’t bring in any states. Not one.”
“And the population of Canada is roughly the same as the population of California.”
“And some of those California people are bad. Very bad. Bad people. Horrible. When they had that wildfire in Los Angles, people in northern California were hoarding water. They were using water to give their dogs baths. Not just small dogs. Big dogs. St. Bernards. They were filling up their hot tubs with water. The firefighters didn’t have any water, and some people were splashing around in hot tubs with St. Bernards. If I hadn’t made them turn on the faucets in northern California, that fire would still be burning. Lying Joe Biden never got any faucets turned on. Not one.”
“My point, sir, is that California’s population gives it 52 members in the United States House of Representatives and 54 votes in the electoral college.”
“I bet Gavin Newsom was hoarding water. He’d need it to dampen down that hair.”
“So, sir, if Canada became the 51st state, they, too, would have approximately 52 members of Congress and 54 votes in the electoral college. And the Canadian electorate is normally to the left of the American electorate.”
“Is that his real hair? We ought to look into that. Who do we have who could do the investigation – the Department of Justice? Anybody who has that much hair is just asking for retribution.”
“What I’m saying, sir, is that if Canada had already become a state when the 2024 elections were held, the Democrats would likely now have a comfortable majority in the House of Representatives and Kamala Harris would be the President of the United States.”
“Maybe I should start calling Gavin Newsom ‘commissioner.’ ”
“So, making Canada the 51st state would likely guarantee Democratic control of the White House and the House of Representatives for years to come.”
“Or ‘alderman.’ What do you think of ‘alderman?’ ”