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Ismena Toscan is the founder of the Hula Hoop Initiative, a survivor-led initiative focused on raising awareness about how to detect, prevent and heal from childhood sexual assault.
When a child expresses fear of a parent, that fear should not be dismissed.
I am a 15-year-old student athlete and long-time sexual assault survivor at the hands of my father (who has been charged but not convicted). I know firsthand what it feels like to carry fear in silence.
Like many children, I had been taught to trust and respect my parents without question, and I believed that parents always acted in their children’s best interests. Over time, something began to feel wrong, even before I had the words to explain it. When I started to question what was happening, I was met with control and intimidation. It was a relationship rooted in power, where respect was expected but questions were not. Like many children in similar situations, I learned that staying quiet often feels like the safest option.
When it became clear my parents were going to separate, I started noticing my father using the term “parental alienation” within his inner circle, claiming he was a target of it.
Across Canada, parents who raise concerns about parental violence or abuse are frequently met with claims that they have manipulated their children or turned them against the other parent. These accusations can carry devastating consequences for children and the parents trying to protect them.
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This is why Parliament must support Bill C-223, the Keeping Children Safe Act – a private member’s bill currently at committee in the House of Commons that would amend the Divorce Act to better protect children who have experienced or witnessed family violence. This bill would strengthen how courts assess family violence, ensure children’s views are meaningfully considered, and require judges to prioritize safety over maximizing contact with both parents. Importantly, it would also address the legal tactic of “parental alienation” claims by requiring courts to focus on evidence-based assessments of harm, rather than assumptions that dismiss or discredit children’s experiences.
At its core, the bill recognizes a simple but critical truth: children’s safety and voices must be at the centre of family court decisions.
The United Nations has described “parental alienation” as a “discredited and unscientific pseudo-concept” frequently used to discredit allegations of family violence and allow abusers to continue their coercive control. Despite these warnings, such accusations continue to influence family court proceedings in Canada and elsewhere.
Research shows that parental alienation claims are most often directed at women, particularly women who have experienced intimate partner violence. They frequently arise when a mother seeks to limit contact between a child and their father because she believes it is necessary for the child’s safety. In response, the father may argue that the abuse allegations are fabricated or that the child has been manipulated into fearing him.
The threat of being accused of parental alienation can also silence victims. Some parents choose not to disclose abuse in family court because they worry that raising safety concerns will ultimately cost them time with their children.
Because Canada’s family court system often assumes that shared parenting is best for children, courts can treat accusations of “parental alienation” very seriously. Yet the consequences of being labelled an “alienating” parent can be severe, for both the parent and the child.
In some cases, children have been removed from their mothers and placed in foster care or group homes, or even ordered to live with their father despite a documented history of violence. Others have been compelled to attend reunification programs designed to coerce a relationship with the parent they fear.
These experiences can be deeply destabilizing for children. Their voices are often dismissed as being the result of manipulation rather than heard as expressions of their own fear or lived experience. Many suffer serious mental health consequences, including anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts.
Underlying the push for reunification is a dangerous assumption – that abuse somehow ends once parents separate. Survivors of domestic violence know that this is often not true. Coercive control and intimidation can continue long after a relationship ends, sometimes through the very legal processes meant to protect families.
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Children are not assets to be divided in legal proceedings. They are human beings whose safety and well-being must guide every decision made about their future.
Bill C-223 would help shift the system in that direction. Nearly 300 organizations across Canada, including the National Association of Women and the Law, support this reform.
Through my work with the Hula Hoop Initiative, I often hear from young people who are still struggling to find the language to describe what they have experienced. Children rarely disclose abuse immediately, and when they do, the response they receive can shape the rest of their lives.
I cannot change what happened to me. But I can and I will use my voice so that other children are no longer silenced.
Parliament has the chance – and the duty – to ensure that every child’s fear is heard and their safety is protected.