Merav Richter says she believes she and her former husband let too many decisions revolve around the value of their home.Photography by Galit Rodan/The Globe and Mail
If Merav Richter knew then what she knows today, she would not have continued living in the matrimonial home with her estranged husband throughout their 18-month transition from separation to divorce.
Ms. Richter had agonized over the repercussions for the couple’s three children and her own financial future before she told her husband of 23 years that she wanted to end their marriage.
The rupture felt like “everything crumbling around me.”
Moving to separate residences seemed financially out of reach in an environment of inflated home prices and steep rents, so Ms. Richter and her husband agreed to share the family’s four-bedroom home in a Toronto suburb.
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Looking back, Ms. Richter says she believes that the couple let too many decisions revolve around the value of their largest asset. By the time they sold in the early spring of 2024, the process had taken a severe emotional toll.
“It’s really too bad,” Ms. Richter says in hindsight. “I feel it could have been amicable if we had not been in the same house.”
Lawyer Alyssa Bach, associate at Shulman & Partners LLP, says selling the matrimonial home is a simple issue to address legally, but it can quickly turn complex when emotions complicate the process.
Under law, the house or condo a married couple is living in at the time of separation is considered the matrimonial home – even if one partner owned the property before marriage.
In acrimonious breakdowns, Ms. Bach sees disgruntled partners weaponize houses in ways that create toxic home environments and deprive spouses of the ability to access their equity.
The tension is amplified in the current real estate landscape as prices fall in Toronto and other cities, and some properties sit on the market for lengthy stretches, she adds.
“Some want to list high to maximize value,” Ms. Bach says. “Others say ‘let’s just get it sold.’”
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Even when both spouses agree to put the house or condo up for sale, conflict can erupt around choosing the listing agent, setting an asking price and deciding on the steps to prepare the home for sale. When an offer lands, spouses may clash over accepting the amount offered or holding out for more.
Ms. Bach advises couples to do their best to settle on a strategy, then list without delay.
“We want to get them onto the next stage of their life,” Ms. Bach says. “That’s hard to do when you don’t know what your capital is going to be.”
In Ontario, the court has the power to order the sale of a matrimonial home after a marriage breakdown. If the sale results in a profit, the former spouses split the proceeds.
In some cases, one partner may want to keep the house or condo and buy their partner’s share, but that option often leads to haggling over value.
The judge cannot order a reluctant spouse to accept a buyout, Ms. Bach points out, so the plan can only work if both partners agree.
Ms. Bach has come across cases where one spouse claims they will buy the other partner’s share, but they can’t realistically afford to do so.
Ms. Richter say she thinks she and her former husband could have been amicable if they didn't have to live in the same house after they separated.
“That can be a delaying tactic,” she says.
“Financial infidelity” can also complicate matters if one partner has taken out a line of credit against the house without the other’s knowledge, for example.
To facilitate the process of separation, Ms. Bach recommends that each spouse seek the advice of a lawyer and a financial adviser.
They also need to establish a legal date of separation – even if they continue living under the same roof.
A separation agreement serves as a road map if the estranged partners are able to amicably agree to a plan.
“That’s now your binding document that’s going to give you direction,” she says. “A lot of people recognize the benefit of having control over their agreement.”
Mediation can help if the spouses reach an impasse, she explains, adding that couples should only end up in court as a last resort.
If the couple has children, Ms. Bach recommends a shared parenting agreement, which lays out details such as how much time each co-parent will have with the kids and where they will live.
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Ms. Bach says navigating a way through turmoil can be more difficult when the couple remains under the same roof.
“If you don’t have a good relationship to begin with, it makes decisions that much harder.”
Ms. Richter and her husband agreed to establish the day she told him she wanted out as the legal date of separation.
The couple had purchased their house 18 years earlier, when she was pregnant with their second son and the new development still had gravel roads.
They knew the house had soared in value, but the proceeds would not allow either partner to buy a property in the same neighbourhood, where their kids attended school.
They went through mediation and signed a co-habitation agreement while they sorted out their finances and waited for the rocky real estate market to stabilize.
During that time, the arrangement became increasingly tense for Ms. Richter.
One complication she had not foreseen, for example, is that her husband would begin a new relationship, which made matters like sharing a bathroom even more uncomfortable.
“You don’t know when the market will come back up, and meanwhile you’re losing so much else,” Ms. Richter says.
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As they prepared to list, the couple brought in real estate agent Bram Sandow of Property.ca.
Mr. Sandow has made a niche out of working with divorcing couples, who make up 10 to 15 per cent of his business.
Both spouses agreed with his recommendation that the property should be in pristine condition before they listed it for sale.
They packed up toys and sports gear and touched up the nicks and scratches caused by rambunctious kids and dogs. They invested in some fresh paint and spiffy furniture.
“It took a lot of energetic work,” Ms. Richter says. “We were not going to have it look like a divorce sale.”
Mr. Sandow advised the pair to launch the property at the start of the spring market in late February with an eye-catching asking price and a date for reviewing offers.
Fortunately, their timing was good, says Ms. Richter, and the house sold above asking with multiple offers.
Mr. Sandow, author of The Divorce Real Estate Playbook, says the sharp downturn in the Toronto market means not every couple has such a smooth experience.
In one case, a couple in the midst of a split was selling an investment condo. One partner pushed for an asking price of $599,000, despite Mr. Sandow’s opinion that the price was too high.
The client rejected the first offer of $578,000 – then another two bids after that – before settling for $535,000 months later.
“Every offer we got as the market continued to nosedive got lower and lower.”
Mr. Sandow also has experience with spouses bent on sabotaging a sale. On many occasions, he makes a point of arriving early to showings just so he can tidy up.
He has seen spouses leave dirty laundry on the floor and garbage cans overflowing. He has arrived to find the furniture rearranged and his property brochures destroyed.
At times, Mr. Sandow plays the role of coach, mediator or therapist.
“It’s about taking the temperature down.”
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He advises couples to be especially sensitive to the children going through a tumultuous time. He sometimes decides against having a stager come in to fluff the property.
It’s very important that kids don’t come home to find their bed in a different place, for example, or their belongings stashed away.
“We don’t turn the entire house around. It might be best to just leave it alone because there’s enough disruption happening.”
In hindsight, Ms. Richter wishes she had found a way to live separately from her estranged spouse.
She advises other women not to base their decisions on the state of the real estate market or fear for their financial future.
She considered purchasing a house or condo unit right away but decided instead to rent a house near her daughter’s high school while she considers her next moves.
Ms. Richter is fortunate to have a good job with a pension, and she has started delving into investing, now that she has the bandwidth to try new pursuits. She is studying to become a family law mediator so she can guide other women through divorce.
For fun, she took a rejuvenating vacation in Bali, Indonesia, hiked the Camino de Santiago in Spain and took up pickleball.
“The minute you get out, you thrive.”