JANUARY
European Central Bank boss Mario Draghi announces a €1.1-trillion ($1.6-trillion) quantitative-easing program designed to inflate the financial assets held by his former colleagues at Goldman Sachs.
Mysteriously, air pollution readings peak at one million parts per million outside Volkswagen car dealerships in Beijing.
In a panic over reports that airline giant easyJet is about to buy Bombardier C Series jets, Airbus persuades easyJet chief executive Carolyn McCall to ditch the Canadian planes and take Airbus A320s instead by promising to pay her easyJet excess baggage fees for life. "That was worth millions to me," she says. "Au revoir, Bombardier."
FEBRUARY
HSBC hastily removes the "Tax dodge/lottery win" posters from its famous "Different points of view" ad campaign, found in airports, after the bank's Swiss subsidiary gets nailed for helping clients avoid taxes and conceal assets.
Donald Trump reveals his hair is actually a small dead animal sponsored by the Association to Bring Back Coonskin Hats.
MARCH
Investors panic when U.S. Federal Reserve boss Janet Yellen, in testimony before the House Committee on Things No American Understands, says she may or may not raise interest rates by a quarter of a percentage point some time before her term ends in 2018.
Terror groups rush to take credit for the invention of the bestselling, diabetes-inducing Churro Dog as it makes its debut at U.S. sport stadiums. The 1,200-calorie sundae, shaped to look like a hot dog, features three heaps of frozen yogurt, whipped cream and rivers of caramel sauces, all piled into Long John-shaped glazed doughnut.
APRIL
In a euro zone voting mishap, ECB boss Mr. Draghi is appointed president of the Vatican Bank, where he immediately announces a quantitative rosary-easing program.
MAY
Immediately after Cuba drops off the U.S. list of state sponsors of terrorism, Wal-Mart, backed by the Chinese Junk Products Exporters Association, buys the entire country.
To save costs on the overbudget C Series jet program, Bombardier instructs its executives to steal soap, toilet paper, sugar packets and those little chocolates they leave on your bed at night from hotels and donate them to the company.
AOL boss Tim Armstrong vies for gold in the Executive BS Awards when he blathers on thusly about AOL's sale to Verizon: "This deal, we feel is the right deal to go forward. In the go-forward scenario, we plan on doing the deal."
JUNE
The Vatican rejects Volkswagen's lucrative offer to sponsor Pope Francis's Encyclical on the Environment, Laudato Si. "Trust me," Pope Francis says. "The Church says I'm infallible and there's something unholy at VW."
The hashtag #merkelworsttouristever starts trending in Greece.
JULY
Autocorrect changes German Chancellor Angela Merkel's text message to Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras from "happy to relieve you again, chum" to "happy to deceive you again, chump."
Germany buys Greece for €1 and immediately flips it to China in exchange for one million tonnes of state-subsidized steel and a year's supply of Peking duck, extra crispy.
Annoyed that Germany foiled its effort to buy Greece and turn it into a tax-free zone for its coffee operations, Starbucks launches hostile takeover bids for Albania and Montenegro.
AUGUST
Bombardier secretly devises plans to arm its new, but slow-selling, C Series jet with Hellfire missiles for a "test flight" over the Airbus factory.
Rumours that Apple will launch the next versions of the iPad, iPhone and iPod that look exactly like previous versions of the iPad, iPhone and iPod, and do exactly the same things, only one-hundredth of a millisecond faster, send the nerd world into rapture. "We're lining up like now," one says.
Toyota recalls all its hybrid cars after owners complain of being beaten up for righteous behaviour by Ford F-150 drivers.
SEPTEMBER
Amateur video captures three U.S. Environmental Protection Agency techies gasping and covered in black soot at a car-emissions lab. "Yep, another pass for Volkswagen," one of them is overhead saying.
Apple launches the iPhone 6S with an even smaller battery to save space, ensuring no more than 17 minutes of use. The tech press reports that the iPhone 7 will come with no battery and a very long extension cord.
OCTOBER
Pfizer boss Ian Read puts himself in contention for Hypocrite of the Year when he insists he needs to buy Ireland-based Allergan for $160-billion (U.S.) so he can move the whole company to Ireland, famous for rock-bottom tax rates. The U.S. tax bill puts Pfizer at a "tremendous disadvantage" on the R&D front, he explains, conveniently forgetting that so did the $100-billion (U.S.) Pfizer hosed out on share buybacks between 2001 and 2015.
In a $245-billion deal triggered by the soaring popularity of craft beers, AB InBev and SABMiller merge, thus guaranteeing the continued soaring popularity of craft beers.
NOVEMBER
As gasoline prices plunge, GM resumes production of the Hummer, renaming it the "Middle Finger."
Alberta sends columns of armoured chuck wagons to invade Montana, South Dakota and Nebraska after U.S. President Barack Obama kills the Keystone XL pipeline, which would have taken 830,000 barrels a day of oil from Alberta to the central United States.
Falling oil prices trigger a strategic about-face at oil sands biggie Suncor, which trades all its assets for Chipotle franchise rights in Alberta. "Digging a hole the size of Iowa in Northern Alberta to turn crude into synthetic oil at horrendous expense to keep American SUVs on the road seemed like a good idea at the time," Suncor CEO Steve Williams says.
DECEMBER
Under pressure in Paris to make up for a decade of climate inaction under the Stephen Harper government, newbie Environment and Climate Change Minister Catherine McKenna announces federal funding for an app to measure the carbon output of all her flights and limos to climate-change conferences. Initial readings are similar to PEI's carbon output.
After grinding through three finance ministers in one week, South Africa announces that one-week appointments will become permanent. "We want them out the door before they wreck the economy," South African President Jacob Zuma says.
Zipcar reports that 9 per cent of its clients have pulled over for a "quickie" while travelling on holidays – we are not making this up. Bookings immediately plummet in spite of Zipcar's new policy of providing rubber gloves to all users.