Even by the standards of, a) a man from Paris, and, b) a politician, Emmanuel Macron is awful handsy.Manu Fernandez/The Associated Press
The leaders of France have suffered humiliating defeats over the centuries, but never before have they been as memeable as Sunday’s.
Per custom, French President Emmanuel Macron showed up at the World Cup final to root on his team.
Sort of per custom, he pogo’d up out of his seat after every French goal, howling like an addled beagle and in a state of advancing dishevelment. By the time France got its third goal, you half-expected cameras to swing up to a bare-chested Macron swinging his shirt over his head like something out of Magic Mike.
Not at all per custom, Macron rushed down to the field afterward to commiserate with the losing French team. You know what famous athletes don’t like? Being touched. You know what they like even less? Being touched by thirsty strangers looking to leverage them for a photo op.
The particular target of Macron’s ministrations was France’s star turn, Kylian Mbappé.
While Mbappé sat on the ground having a moment with Argentine goalie Emiliano Martinez, Macron sneaked up and began petting his head. A skeeved-out Mbappé leaped up and began his escape.
Not taking the hint, Macron trailed after him. He attempted repeatedly to embrace him in one of those deep hugs reserved for funerals and heading off to war.
Mbappé ducked. Macron cradled his head. Mbappé pulled away. Macron followed. Mbappé stopped looking in his direction. Macron kept talking.
Eventually, Macron pretended to dive into conversation with someone else – French coach Didier Deschamps. Deschamps gave him a look that said, “I didn’t vote for you.”
When it was time to accept the runner-up medals, Macron was at it again. Even by the standards of, a) a man from Paris, and, b) a politician, this guy is awful handsy.
When Mbappé tried sliding away again, Macron took hold of his head and refused to let him go. What was it going to take to get away from this weirdo? Le judo?
You can tell what Macron was after – a single picture with Mbappé’s face buried in the crook of his neck. With that in mind, the French papers accused the President of hypocrisy. Macron has in the past accused others of trying to “politicize” sport.
His political opponents went for le mot juste. One said Macron attached himself to Mbappé “like a crampon.” Which is not bad.
But what the French cannot grapple with, because it is too terrible for them to contemplate, is what a bunch of dweebs they all look like this morning.
You can say you didn’t vote for the guy and that may even be true, but he is in charge of your shop, non? The United States had to deal with this for four years, and you didn’t hear it never not complaining, did you? So there you go.
Like it or not, Macron’s the person non-French people take their cues on France from. And he was out there larking around like a man afflicted with a mortal case of jocksniffingitis.
One of the things this World Cup showed is that it takes a defter hand than most politicians possess to do politics at the sports.
If you show up wearing the team jersey, you look like a knob. If you’re there in a suit, you look like a stiff. If you shake hands with FIFA boss Gianni Infantino, you’re a shill. If you keep away from all the other celebs, you’re frigid.
David Beckham tried to do politics on behalf of Qatar. It was a disaster. He spent all five weeks of the World Cup avoiding the media, lest anyone ask him what these new politics are. So there he was, up in the rafters, looking terrified lest anyone talk to him.
The person doing the political heavy lifting on behalf of the Qataris was U.S. Secretary of State Antony Blinken.
Blinken seemed to be at every game, looking absolutely delighted. When asked to explain how his feet hadn’t caught fire upon landing in such an awful place, Blinken said, “I make no bones about having the pleasure to come and cheer on Team USA.”
Which wasn’t the question. That’s how you do politics. No players were harmed in the crafting of this message. More important, none had to be met.
How about the emir of Qatar, Sheikh Tamim bin Hamad Al Thani? That wily so-and-so waited five whole weeks to do his job in less than 10 seconds. As Lionel Messi was about to take hold of the FIFA World Cup Trophy, the emir draped him in a traditional black cloak, a bisht.
Without making a big deal of it, the emir got the star of the show to endorse his hosts at the moment of greatest global attention.
This is how you do politics – symbols, not speeches. No one listens to speeches any more. Did we mention Macron did one of those, too?
The photos of Messi looking beatific as the emir loomed behind him like the godfather are fantastic. They should be. They cost US$200-billion.
That’s the sort of person athletes like – one who pays them. Via ownership of French soccer team Paris Saint-Germain, the emir is Messi’s boss, as well as Mbappé’s.
Mbappé suffered a consoling pat on the arm from the emir. He even touched him back. Macron eyed the two jealously as it happened. And then the awkward pawing began anew.
Maybe Macron’s silliness will serve some larger purpose. Every politician on Earth should ask for briefing notes based on it, so that they can spare their electorate the national embarrassment France is feeling today.
-- Comport yourself as though your boss is watching you, because millions of them are.
-- You like the team. You are not on it.
-- Never go on the grass/ice/hardwood unless specifically invited by someone who is still sweating.
-- Introduce yourself. You may think you’re famous. You aren’t to these people.
-- Don’t hug anyone unless they hug you first.
-- Keep it below the neck. This is a sports stadium, not a bordello.
-- Best-case scenario: Stay home and watch the game on TV. Difficult to hug anyone there who doesn’t already know how you get when you’re worked up.