Toronto Maple Leafs forward William Nylander handles the puck as New York Rangers defenseman Braden Schneider closes in on Wednesday.John E. Sokolowski/Reuters
Ahead of the worst hockey game in the world on Wednesday night, the Scotiabank Arena game ops crew was trying to make the best of it.
“Time for an energy check!” they yelled at the dozens of fans who’d made the mistake of taking their seats fifteen minutes before puck drop.
The crowd responded with the sort of cheer you might hear as a hearse drives by.
“We can always count on you, Leafs Nation!” the MCs cried.
Can these two play? Because they’re the only ones in the building still bringing their ‘A’ game. Everyone else has given up.
The Leafs vs. the New York Rangers in late March must have looked pretty tasty when the tickets first went on sale. Since the Olympic break, the two clubs have combined for a 9-20 record. Those numbers cannot begin to capture the level of do-not-care-any-more that they bring to the rink now.
You want gamers? Try the paying customers who showed up for this way north of Westminster dog show. One can only imagine the towering act of will it took them to leave their homes, where their beds are located, available to them free of a service charge. No wonder they weren’t cheering. They’d probably expended all of their energy crying in the car on the way over.
The Leafs were coming off a win in Boston, which must have made the Bruins feel like they’d just lost to the Washington Generals. It’s the closest the Leafs have come to taking revenge on them in the last ten years.
As for Rangers, forget about it. They’ve lost about thirty games while losing five in a row. What sort of game did they bring to Toronto? The sort where Nick Robertson was allowed to pass the puck to himself through his own legs four feet in front of the New York goal, and his head is still attached to his shoulders. That sort.
The sort where Igor Shesterkin decided to see if he could go an entire game in net without moving his arms. The sort where the Rangers had 43 shots and still made it look like they were aiming at someone in the crowd.
The Rangers don’t need a rebuild. They need therapy.
Take a long look at them, sad Leafs fan. Try to memorize what this they look like. This is your future. Fighting it is only going to make it worse when it inevitably happens.
Everybody in the arena on Wednesday got that. By far, the loudest cheer of the evening was in response to a group of Toronto Blue Jays at the game. The torch hasn’t been passed in this city. It’s been thrown with great force.
The Leafs won, of course. Barely, of course. After trying every way they could think of to give it back, of course. They can’t even tank right.
The crowd reflexively cheered each goal by the home team, before catching themselves. Each win takes this club farther away from the only thing that will make the off-season bearable, a top-five pick. Right now, they are 11th from bottom. Great job.
The problem seems to be that now that the scrubs are playing for their jobs, they’re actually making a difference. Clearly, this isn’t just a talent problem or a culture problem. It’s also an HR problem.
“It’s important to build some momentum here towards the end,” said goal scorer Dakota Joshua.
What? No, it isn’t. Momentum is for closers. Everyone currently on this club is going to land somewhere between a set of steak knives and ‘You’re fired’.
During the second intermission, they started to push a special on the concourse - 5 bucks off shots of Crown Royal. Later, they did the Crown Royal t-shirt toss. Give it another week. The pre-game giveaway will be a Leafs branded pillow, suitable for both screaming into and napping on, sponsored by homemade wine and Wellbutrin.
It’d be funny if you didn’t get the feeling that this is what the next five years are going to look like - an endless series of meaningless games, all of which will be sold out. That combo is what kicks it up a level to very funny.
In the locker room afterward, a surprise - everyone was happy. Their families have been around for a couple of games, part of what was meant to be a farewell to the boys as they headed off to the post-season. That must be part of it.
But it’s unmistakeable that another part of it is unconditional surrender. For the first time in many years, nobody has to pretend that they have a shot. They are freed from any expectation. They’re just out there punching a clock and heading home, minds blissfully blank, once the whistle goes.
Jake McCabe made a joke about his kids complaining that he never scores. Even John Tavares sounded a smidge less robotic. More of a man-machine hybrid.
“Good for us to string two (wins) together,” said goalie Joseph Woll. That’s the whole 2025-26 season in ten syllables or less.
Woll said it with the childlike innocence of a man who has never had to trade a perfectly good pick away for a deeply imperfect and rapidly ageing defenceman. He said it like he was having fun.
The Leafs should enjoy this now. These are the last angst-free moments they will have for several years. All they have to do is show up. No one cares what they do.
It’s only once the season ends that dread and anxiety resume again. Then everyone will be forced to revert to a winning mentality, minus any realistic chance of winning.