Newfoundland and Labrador lead Jamie Korab laughs as his team plays against the Northwest Territories/Yukon at the Brier curling championships in Halifax, Nova Scotia, March 6, 2010. REUTERS/Shaun BestSHAUN BEST/Reuters
Brier, Brier, pants on fire… Okay, no one is wearing the Norwegian Diamond Dog drawers at this year's Brier in Halifax. But the roaring game is just a "hurry hard" away from its Big Lebowski moment.
Curling became the "it" sport on TV for hip Americans at the recent Vancouver Olympics. Carl Lewis, Vernon Davis (of the San Francisco 49ers), Wayne Gretzky… everyone including the Simpsons was either beating a path to the venue or watching the countless hours on TV.
"I'm telling people about [curling] I'm explaining it, and I don't even know what I'm explaining," Davis told Fanhouse.
David Letterman issued the obligatory Top Ten List ("No.3 - Mickey Rourke making film about washed-up curling legend who comes back for one last curl.")
One frustrated American writer - thirsting to topple Canada in the Olympics - proposed finding the LeBron James of curling and making him a U.S. citizen. When the Yanks decide to crush you in your favourite sport, you know you're too cool for school.
And, let's be honest, countless males found Cheryl Bernard and the Danish skip who posed nude to be, well… hot. Switzerland third Carmen Schaefer was even pierced. As opposed to women hockey players and skiers, there are no bad-hair days in curling.
But objectifying does not a sport make.
"The allure of the rock tossers only gets some spectators past the hog line," Jordan Burchette of CNNgo.com observed. "Once invested, they come to recognize a sport that's coming into its own, reaching the critical cultural mass afforded it by cheap, televised ubiquity and aggressive efforts at development."
Exactly. Emulating British TV - which made darts and billiards fashionable by getting cameras and mikes up close - curling's TV producers succeed on several levels. The roaring game was miles ahead of golf in miking its stars 24/7; curling now has catch phrases ("Whoa, whooooa!") and personalities to burn. Russ Howard's angry growl, Bernard's death stare, Kevin Martin's quiet assassin. PGA commissioner Tim Finchem wishes he could get such stickiness from his mute fancy pants on Tour.
Back in the real world of the Brier (which started on TSN Saturday), the Tankard is off the shizzle but still on its base. Yes, Manitoba's Jeff Stoughton essayed his Savardian spinarama move - that "familiar move of his as he throws it through" Vic Rauter purred. But no one resembling the Dude has slid belly first down the ice sheet. And still no cheerleaders.
In the 2D world, there is discussion of altering the number of Brier-eligible teams. But in the Avatar world, the sport is so ironic it's iconic. So put on your 3D glasses and settle in for the Titanic struggle this week in Halifax. Who knows, you might just catch Donny, Walter and the Pomeranian soaking up the action front row. Slow on Mo? So how's that Hockey Conquers America thing going?
Slowly.
It started with Sidney Crosby turning down Letterman for a Top Ten List (hey, he's got a stick to look for). There was the obligatory return to gooning, a blessed omission in Vancouver. Then Versus' averaged 263,000 viewers for the three post-Olympics games it showed.
As we say, slow as she goes.
Maybe if they wore diamond pants? Daly BreadWhat a sorry, twisted mess golf has become in the wake of Tiger's Travails.
The latest shank? John Daly publishing the phone number of reporter Gary Smits on his Twitter account.
Daly, miffed that the reporter had published his disciplinary file from the Tour, was probably living out every athlete's dream in punking a reporter. Instead, it came off like everything else in Daly's bizarro life.
On the positive side, Daly has lost about a zillion pounds and looks a lot better than his golf game.