Erin Lytle helps her 85-year-old mother Joan Hunter fit a wrist brace at her home in Burlington, Ont., on Jan. 15. Ms. Lytle says her relationship with her siblings has changed dramatically since her parents got sick.Nick Iwanyshyn/The Globe and Mail
Canada’s population is rapidly aging. The Globe and Mail’s Aging Well series explores the country’s longevity economy, how people are living healthier and happier lives as they age and how to support older adults.
Erin Lytle, 53, has a Rolodex of fond memories with her two brothers, including long hikes when her children, nieces and nephews were young, and family trips to see Santa.
But since their parents got sick, the relationship between the three siblings has changed dramatically.
“I can’t recall the last time we did any of those things,” said Ms. Lytle, who is based in Burlington, Ont. “I would say I almost have no sibling relationship in that regard.”
Ms. Lytle is the main caregiver for her mother, who has complex health issues, and also cared for her father until he died in 2018. She says she shoulders most of the responsibility, in large part because her brother lives about two-and-a-half hours away in Orillia. The other lives nearby but has an injury that limits what he can take on, Ms. Lytle said.
The intensity of caregiving – and the emotional weight that comes with it – has strained the entire family.
“There were times when my entire family stopped talking to each other,” Ms. Lytle said. “People couldn’t handle it any more. People were angry, and rightfully so.”
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As adults provide unpaid care for aging parents or in-laws, the division of that labour can become a major source of conflict between siblings. Caregiving responsibilities often fall on the sibling who lives closest, and often on women, while disagreements can arise over decision-making authority, finances and legal roles such as power of attorney.
Nearly half of caregivers reported primarily looking after parents or in-laws, according to Statistics Canada data from 2018, making it the most common form of caregiving in Canada, particularly among people aged 45 to 64.
Women are also more likely than men to take on caregiving roles. Leanne Kaufman, president and chief executive of RBC Royal Trust and board member for the Women’s Brain Health Initiative, said that when it comes to caring for aging parents, “daughters are disproportionately burdened.”
Ms. Lytle wasn’t surprised that she became the default caregiver. She works full-time in community health care, and her family dynamics made the responsibility feel almost inevitable.
“I come from a fairly traditional upbringing, where it is quite frequent that the daughters are the folks who tend to step in,” she said. “In my family’s entire culture, the women are the fixers, the keepers, the organizers, the caregivers.”
Her 85-year-old mother lives independently, but Ms. Lytle drives her to medical appointments, takes her grocery shopping and acts as the family’s information hub.
“I’m the point person who then feeds that information through to my siblings,” she said.
Balancing that role with a full-time job has led to what she describes as “significant burnout.”
Erin Lytle and her mother Joan Hunter at her home. Ms. Lytle says she wasn’t surprised that she became the default caregiver.Nick Iwanyshyn/The Globe and Mail
When both parents were alive, and her stress was at its peak while caring for them, her brother in Orillia offered to help, she said. Relieved, Ms. Lytle created a group chat outlining everything that needed to be done, such as filling prescriptions, scheduling post-operative care, organizing personal support workers and other continuing tasks.
After seeing the flood of work that needed to be done, Ms. Lytle said her brothers pushed back, saying it was too much.
Ms. Lytle explained to them that this was what she had been doing all along, single-handedly. “They didn’t realize what they were stepping into,” she said.
Legal and financial roles can add another layer of strain. Many families assign powers of attorney: one for personal care and one for property. Sometimes, one person holds both roles, but often, they’re split.
Angela Casey, a partner at law firm Casey & Moss LLP, which focuses on estate litigation, says those roles frequently fall along gender lines, with daughters taking on personal care, while sons manage property and finances.
That imbalance can be exacerbated by compensation rules, she said. For example, in Ontario, under the Substitute Decisions Act, the attorney for property is entitled to compensation unless the document states otherwise, while the personal care role is not.
“That sometimes seems very unfair because the care role can be quite demanding and, depending on the stage of life, it can be more demanding than the property role,” Ms. Casey said.
In Ms. Lytle’s case, she is her mother’s attorney for personal care, while her brother, who has a background in finance, is the attorney for property. Families can draft agreements to prohibit compensation or enter an agreement to pay those providing care, but many don’t.
Despite the pitfalls, experts generally agree that dividing responsibilities based on each sibling’s strengths can work, if expectations are clear. Ms. Lytle’s health care background complements her brother’s financial expertise, even if the emotional toll of caregiving remains heavy.
Ms. Lytle helps her mother in the kitchen. She drives her mother to medical appointments, takes her grocery shopping and acts as the family’s information hub.Nick Iwanyshyn/The Globe and Mail
The most consistent advice for families from experts is simple in theory, but difficult in practice: Plan early, communicate clearly and revisit those plans often.
Amy Coupal, CEO of the Ontario Caregiver Organization, which provides caregivers with free resources and services, knows this first-hand. Based in Toronto, she is the primary caregiver for her father, who is in his late 80s and lives in a nearby retirement home.
When his needs increased, she and her sister, who lives in Calgary, sat down and mapped out the responsibilities.
Tasks requiring in-person support, such as medical appointments, fell to Ms. Coupal. Remote tasks, such as arranging grocery deliveries, are handled by her sister. They share documents and spreadsheets, and update one another after appointments, noting follow-up actions and who will handle them.
“We always have everything tracked,” Ms. Coupal said.
Experts also recommend appointing a clear leader among siblings to streamline decisions and avoid conflict, while still supporting that person.
Michelle Newman, 67, lives in Gravenhurst, Ont., and is part of a family of six siblings and four stepsiblings. In late 2025, her parents moved into a condo that is a 10-minute walk from her home. When their health rapidly declined soon after moving, Ms. Newman took the lead.
She quickly realized how much care was involved and how important it was to ask for help. Her sister, who lives 20 minutes away, helps with groceries and steps in to help with driving to appointments. Another sister in Florida helps co-ordinate house cleaning.
“A lot of people in these leadership roles, they just want to continue to lead and take all the responsibility – they feel like it’s on their shoulders and it really isn’t,” Ms. Newman said. “Yes, you’re leading it, but you don’t have to do all the jobs.”
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Jacqui Murphy, co-founder of Elderella, a platform designed to help families organize and manage care for seniors, says sibling relationships often begin to feel transactional under the strain of caregiving, almost like a business arrangement. That makes it even more important to carve out time to reconnect as siblings, she said.
“Be grateful that you have a sibling because there’s nobody else that really truly understands what you’re going through with your specific parent,” she said.
For Ms. Lytle, the relationship with her brothers remains complicated, but it has improved, she said. They made a point of spending time together over the past Christmas season. Her father’s death also shifted her perspective.
“Sitting at a bedside and watching your parent die puts you in a different frame of mind,” she said.
She feels accountable to her mother, too, who places significant value on family unity.
“Family is absolutely everything to her,” Ms. Lytle said. “There is a tremendous amount of pressure from her to ‘please get along.’” Her mother often reminds them: “When I die, you will only have each other.”
To cope, Ms. Lytle has focused on protecting her own mental health. When she’s less emotionally raw, she finds it easier to stay connected with her brothers.
“You can’t be standing on those hot coals and not feel the heat,” she said.
