Illustration by The Globe and Mail/iStock
Ask a Child Psychologist is a series of columns offering insights and advice on navigating youth emotional and mental well-being. It is not a substitute for professional psychological or medical advice.
The holiday season can be magical for children, but it can also be difficult for those who have experienced loss, grief or major family changes such as separation or divorce. Reminders of lost or absent loved ones, changes in routines, and high expectations around social events can increase feelings of sadness, anxiety or isolation. Even familiar traditions kids once liked may feel overwhelming, and the pressure to “enjoy” the season can add extra stress.
In my work with families, I’ve seen how simple strategies can help children feel safe and understood during the holidays – and even find joy – despite loss or major change. When children feel supported, parents – who may be struggling with their own mental health challenges or mixed feelings – often feel more relaxed and able to navigate the season comfortably too.
Kids today are lonelier than ever. Here’s how to help them make connections
Here are seven ways families can support emotional well-being during the holidays for kids who have experienced a traumatic event.
1. Acknowledge mixed emotions
When children experience change or loss, it’s common for them to feel a mix of emotions during celebrations – happiness, sadness, excitement and grief – all at once. These feelings can be confusing but they are a natural part of healing.
Let children know that all emotions are valid. It’s okay to laugh during a holiday celebration and feel tearful later when remembering someone who is missed. By normalizing a full range of feelings, adults help children learn that joy and sorrow can co-exist, and that both have a place in the holiday season.
2. Give kids a heads up
Children do better when they know what to expect and feel prepared. Have a conversation with your child or draw up a schedule to keep them in the loop about holiday plans, from meals to gift exchanges. Details such as where people will sit or who will be there can make special activities feel more predictable.
Social interactions can also feel overwhelming for some kids at this time of the year, especially with relatives or family friends they don’t know well. This can be even harder for children coping with change or loss who may be less chatty than usual. Reviewing the kinds of questions they might hear and practising easy responses can help them feel more in control.
Are your children writing letters to Santa? Share them with our North Pole bureau
3. Honour absent loved ones or changed traditions
Finding ways to acknowledge change can bring comfort during the holidays. This could mean lighting a candle for a loved one who has died or sharing a story about them. If there has been a separation or divorce, it could involve creating new family rituals – for example planning celebrations in two homes instead of one.
Include kids in decisions about how to shape these evolving traditions. This can help them learn that it’s possible to honour what was while embracing what is. Gestures that integrate both remembrance and change foster continuity, connection and hope.
4. Go with the flow
Not everything will go as planned over the holidays – and that’s okay. Children closely observe how adults respond to setbacks, and your reactions can help them develop resilience. Whether a favourite dish burns, family conflicts surface unexpectedly or a carefully planned outing is cancelled at the last minute, responding with calm, empathy and perspective sets a powerful example that challenges can be managed and emotions expressed safely without letting them take over
Simple phrases such as, “This didn’t go as we hoped, let’s find another way to enjoy today,” or engaging in a playful “reset” activity can teach children that disappointment, change and loss are a normal part of life even during “the most wonderful time of the year.”
5. Set boundaries on conversations
It can be hard for adults to avoid discussing family conflicts or loss when gathered over the holidays, but these topics can be confusing or upsetting for children. Set boundaries on conversations around kids and guide discussions toward positive topics, shared memories, or gratitude.
By keeping the tone light and supportive, parents can help children participate comfortably and feel safe during social interactions.
6. Provide structure with choice
Children do best when they feel both secure and involved. Offer gentle structure over the holidays while giving kids small choices: for example, suggesting a game, helping with decorations or choosing a story to read together. Keep activities simple, flexible and developmentally appropriate.
When children can participate in ways that feel meaningful, the holidays become more joyful and less stressful for everyone.
7. Manage sensory overload
The holiday environment can be overstimulating: bright lights, loud music and crowded rooms. Notice when your child needs a break and create a quiet and calming space for them to decompress. This shows them that self-care is valued and helps prevent emotional meltdowns.
Holidays after loss or change may never feel quite the same – but with planning, flexibility and empathy, they can still hold moments of connection, comfort and love. In those quiet moments, healing often begins.
Dr. Jillian Roberts is a research professor of educational psychology at the University of Victoria. She is also a practising registered psychologist in British Columbia, Alberta, Yukon and the Northwest Territories. She specializes in child and adolescent development, family therapy and inclusive education.